


4 AM

by mosaicu_baby



Category: Jeff Beck - Fandom, Led Zeppelin
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Complicated Relationships, Disturbing Themes, Drinking to Cope, Friends With Benefits, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, Jemmy, Jimmy's very human, M/M, Mental Instability, Multi, Rough Sex, Sexual Tension, Substance Abuse, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:53:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 27,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24496024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mosaicu_baby/pseuds/mosaicu_baby
Summary: 1981–1984, Jimmy's struggling with loss of his band and his growing addictions, he desperately needs a little help of his friend
Relationships: Jeff Beck/Jimmy Page
Comments: 28
Kudos: 18





	4 AM

**Author's Note:**

> Finally I did it! It's my first big work that I actually finished and posted and I hope you'll like it, there might be mistakes I didn't notice, but I wrote, added and edited everything via my mobile phone, so feel free to correct me :)
> 
> Also I wanna say thank you for ZepIsLove for sharing her life experience with me and inspiring me with her quotes that helped me to think differently about my work, change it's direction, make it deeper and create much happier ending that I was planning to :3
> 
> It was pretty hard to write cause I'd love to make jemmy as two snuggly bunnies, but it's just too boring imho, it also took me about 3 month to edit and correct, but I'm pleased with new experience. I just had to do it and I'm in love with this rare pairing!
> 
> I'll attach it just in case you need something visual about them because it's utterly lovely  
> https://sun6-19.userapi.com/ExNwZQSJpgGFdY3Rzq1Il8hZWjKzWqbETVzYMg/AHh91n9-2Fw.jpg
> 
> https://sun6-13.userapi.com/PhAsgv4PZQH7YINkpDpMHGx3XWGDMMnnJdv3XA/zn94O7b4ndE.jpg
> 
> !PS! In case there is anybody from Russian fandom, I'm planning to translate it to Russian in next week or two, after I'm done I'll post link to my ficbook profile in here, guys, but I'll be also happy if you comment here as well if you can finish such a long story in English.

Jimmy crossed his arms and gave him demanding gaze.

'So, when?'

There they were. Jeff, slightly irritated by interrogation and ashamed, and Jimmy, once hardworking likable teen with chubby cheeks, full of plans and hopes, that turned into this sad frail man, indifferent to anything but highly addictive crap, abandoned his passion for music, lost his life fire. Jeff already regretted that he came here and opened his bloody mouth. He didn't feel comfortable talking about it, but Jimmy just sat and watched him attentively. He didn't try to run away or kick Jeff out, screaming that he's pervert, so at least there was something good. Or maybe Jimmy was too apathetic and wasted to care. 

'I don't know, probably from The Yardbirds era'

'That long ago? And you said nothing?'

Jeff didn't remember being in such awkward situation ever. He recalled everything clearly as if it happened yesterday. It was after the show. They were lazily getting drunk and high in some shitty pub, tasteless music played too loud and Keith's alcoholism mixed with his misanthropy pissed Jeff off completely. Pretty birds ﬂying around their table didn't help to relax. He moved the chair and picked up his jacket, sure that he wasn't coming back, frown on his face, cigarette in his teeth. Someone tried to stop him, some lovey girl with naive big eyes, whose name he desperately forgot, but he told her to leave him alone, probably he was too harsh because she quickly removed her tiny polished hand from his shoulder. 

Nights were pretty cool, he regretted leaving as soon as he stepped out of the pub, but it was better to get to the hotel and sleep few extra hours, be in good shape for next gig. The street was empty, he only heard some noises coming out of the lonely car, parked near the pub. Jeff smirked. At least someone was having fun tonight. While passing by, he recognized this soft nasal voice that belonged to Page. Holy shit, watching his mate getting laid wasn't exactly what Jeff planned to do, but something made him stop and listen. Jimmy was whispering some sweet bullshit about how nice it was to meet her, how he was going to take her here and there, the girl sniggered. She must be really wasted or stupid to believe in such an obvious lie, however it worked out. The sound of sloppy kissing made Jeff grimace, he could even see their shades moving, then Jimmy's bracelet sparked through the opened window, reﬂecting street lights as his pale long ﬁngers grabbed girl's hair. Next came something that Jeff indicated as sound of fabrics rubbing on each other, some susurration, girl's shaky voice saying, 'Oh, right here?', and her little moan. Jeff shook his head and quickened his steps, thinking why he didn't get out before, getting even more irritated. Jimmy Page always got laid, nights he spent alone could be counted with one hand's ﬁngers. Man-slut with shy smile, pretty face, deceptively calm demeanor, sweetest lies and cool guitar, girls bought it everywhere, at home and across the ocean.

By the time Jeff returned to the hotel he was peeved as fuck. He got straight under the shower to realize there was no hot water. Jeff groaned and kicked the switch. Of course, in this fucking dirty hole for bunch of snivel babies pretending to be big rock stars like them there wouldn't be hot fucking water. Jeff angrily wiped himself, searched through the travel bag for sleepwear and toothbrush. At least he would get peaceful sleep tonight since he shared room with Jimmy and Jimmy obviously wasn't coming back. 

Jeff lurked under the blanket, regretting that he couldn't hide there forever. He was tired to death, but anxious thoughts kept rolling in his head, distracting him from dropping off. As million times before he thought about the band and his place in there, about the wrong direction they were going to with their last songs, about his marriage falling apart, about Keith's troubles, about how he was exhausted to compete with Jimmy at every show. Being mates was good until they ended up in the same band. He used to play with Jimmy for fun and he guilelessly thought that they would have each other’s backs, but now fun was over, and Jimmy tried to smartly steal the show every time they performed. And, moreover, he stole girls sometimes, leaving Jeff at the edge of sexual dissatisfaction. Jeff rolled in bed, trying to ﬁnd the most comfortable position on the thin mattress. The scene in the car rose in front of his closed eyes, Jimmy, seducing that girl, caressing her locks and causing her moans. Jeff wondered what exactly Jimmy did and what he was planning to do. Did he ﬁnger her or lick her? Did they fuck already?

Jeff groaned again because this didn’t help him to sleep, it made him a kind of aroused and felt completely wrong because why the fuck would he get hard imagining his friend getting laid? Bullshit, he desperately needed rest. And good fuck. Jeff clenched his teeth and forced himself to think about something pleasant, calm down. It wasn't easy, yet he managed to settle his frustration, he didn’t realize when exactly he dozed off. 

He woke up in the dark, must have slept for just a few hours. Jeff opened his dry and aching eyes to see what was distracting his carefree dream. Of course, it was Page. He just came back and closed the door too loudly. Jimmy tried to be careful, for sure, unlike others he always respected everyone's privacy and resting time, but he was too wasted to keep it low. And stumbling on something in the dark, almost falling down, swearing and making a small giggle didn't help him. Jeff felt the urge to swear himself. Part of him wanted to stand up and slap that idiot, another part told him to stay calm, he had enough issues with Jimmy today. Or was it yesterday? Didn't matter. 

Jimmy managed to get rid of shoes and fell in the bed, not carrying about undressing. Jeff wouldn't care too if they didn't have to share sleeping place.

'Fuck you, man, you're dirty', he said, pushing Jimmy to the edge. Jimmy didn’t complain, just whispered something that sounded like 'sorry' and moved the pillow closer, hugging it with both hands. Jeff could hear the wind howling outside through the poor window construction and Jimmy's peaceful breath. Unbelievable how fast he fell asleep. Jeff could only envy him.

He stood up, drank some cold water from the tub and got back. Jimmy didn't move. He smelled weed, booze and sex, which forced Jeff's mind to come back to picturing him with that lucky bird. It happened before, after Jimmy came back from touring with The Crusaders he smelled somehow similar. That strange unknown smell disturbed Jeff. He couldn't recognize Jimmy. He always grew faster than other boys of their age, he was serious and experienced, he came to the music business very young. Jeff got him talking, knocked confession out of Jimmy and Jimmy told him about real life in the tour, about how lucky they were if they could get any shitty hotel room and one bed for all of them, about sleeping in the car or on the floor, weed, drinking and getting sick and laid. That was new. Jeff smoked cigarettes, which Jimmy rejected with disgust, of course, it was smelly, and they got some beer a few times as they had courage to make older mates buy it for them, but nothing more. And Jeff never slept with anybody, by that time he didn't get further than few dates and a kiss at the back row of move theater with his then girlfriend Mary. Mary was a good girl, she would never let him under her skirt even if she folded it so short that Jeff's imagination hardly had any space and he was suffering with painful boners after going out with her. He barely ever touched girl's breast, so he lighted a cig and made himself comfortable, ready to listen. 

'So?'

'What?'

'How was it, y'know, with gal?'

Jimmy shrugged. 'Disappointing. Nothing special. We've got tricked, sex is just sex'

'Fuck you, mate'

'I tell ya', Jimmy said it with such a serious face, Jeff couldn't hold laugh back. Jimmy giggled too, shoved him with elbow and lowered his eyes, 'That's cool, yeah, but nothing as they talk, don't expect too much'

He must had been throwing the bull because first sexual experience blew Jeff's mind. Later Jeff got his own short touring experience with lots of booze and free minded girls, ready to spend night with him, and he started to notice how Jimmy smelled and from the smell he could tell when Jimmy was high or when he just banged. Jimmy didn't talk much about his love interests, unlike their other fellows, but Jeff could guess. Up until this day when he saw Jimmy in action, seducing his victim successfully. 

Jeff glanced at his thin body, poorly developed arms muscles and girlish face and wondered what women found so attractive about him. To be fair he was even prettier and more feminine than some of their groupies. And more soft than them, it wasn't like Jimmy told it to anyone, but growing up together Jeff knew how he feared to drive, use planes or swim, how Jimmy would get shy out of place or how squeamish he was, just like a real girlie. And even he never showed it he could get really upset with bad comments about the band. Jeff chuckled, of course he would leave this thought for himself, yet it was ridiculous. He picked up a strand of Jimmy's messy hair, removed it away from his face, examined. Sugar and spice. Innocent look concealed his passionate bastard nature. Jeff moved a little closer, he spotted small freckles around Jimmy's eyes and nose, the detail he never payed attention to before. Jimmy's breath was hot, thin lips parted, revealing white teeth. Jeff felt sudden aching desire to touch them. Probably the pub owner mixed something with beer he served, Jeff had no longer acceptable explanation for that shit. Jimmy would freak out if he woke up and saw that, but Jeff decided he could take the risk. Why not, they did so many crazy things during tour already, in the morning he coud convince Jimmy that he was too high and delusional. He stretched his hand and carefully touched Jimmy's upper teeth with his finger pad. It felt wet and solid. Jimmy kept sleeping like enchanted princess from fairytale, his breath tickling Jeff's wrist. Jeff carefully moved his soft dry lip, Jimmy sighed and frowned. Jeff jerked his hand away in fear. He watched Jimmy's face, made sure that he didn’t wake up and turned away, confused and kind of ashamed.

Analyzing it later with clear head Jeff admitted that he was jealous of that girl in the car, not of Jimmy as he supposed, but that night he remained sleepless and felt even more exhausted in the morning. Chris worried that he got sick and offered him not to perform in the evening. Jeff imagined Jimmy's smirk and rejected the offer, soon after that he left the band, yet it was another story and Jimmy was only a part of it. Their passes crossed, leaving bittersweet taste in Jeff's mouth as he was really attracted to Jimmy and admired his skills, but Jimmy treated him unfairly bad and finally they just stopped talking. By that time they were too far from each other in every viewpoint to maintain any relationships. 

'Fuck, I'm ﬂattered', Jimmy said after long silence and rubbed his nose the way he always did when he was shy, uncomfortable or lost in his thoughts. Jeff couldn't call him neither girlish or pretty as he used to be in the days of their youth, nor innocent. All his bad habits left their prints on his face, unemotional and dead. Despite everything Jeff felt creeps running down his spine, as every time they were together alone, and sort of awkwardness because lusting your ex-best friend was awkward indeed. He could feel echoes of long lost desire even now, he knew he wouldn't pull away if Jimmy kissed him or something. 

Jeff could smell whiskey from him though he didn't spot a bottle. Considering how bad was his state Jimmy must be drinking alone before Jeff came, but now he desperately needed some spirit, because Jimmy's dilated pupils, that once have seen the stars, stared in his soul, tried to read him and Jeff wasn't ready for this.

'So, it's the reason you came?'

No, he wouldn't have courage if Charlotte didn't invite him. He wondered, how would she react, she asked him to come because she was worried about Jimmy and instead of helping Jeff just threw unneeded confession. 

'I came because you're helpless and pathetic'

'Wow, you just said you like me and now mocking me', Jimmy made a small drunk giggle. He babbled something else, Jeff couldn't understand. They both felt silent again, Jeff nervously playing with his rings, Jimmy half laying on the sofa, squinting his hazy eyes. Jeff though he fell asleep and stood up to leave, Jimmy called him. 'Are you going already?'

'I don't think I should make both of us more uncomfortable'

'I'm okay, just need time to comprehend it’

'Forget'

'Why would I? Not so many people tell me I'm attractive now', Jimmy smirked from under his bangs and Jeff walked away before he would get pissed. Some things never changed like Jimmy’s ability to immediately irritate Jeff being a callous bastard. 

'How is he?', Charlotte asked, uneasy fingers playing with hair, twisting it. Jeff shrugged. He didn't know what to say to not make her hurt even more. 

'To be true I don't know. It's deep, I think he needs professional, not me'

She grimaced at no one in particular. 'He will never go to doctor, he hates hospitals and asking for help. At least he lets you in, I didn't see him for months'

Jeff was taken aback by her honest confession. Anyway, what could she do more? Jimmy clearly didn't want to see her or more likely he didn't want her to see him, so she tried to call his friends, sometimes even fans, anything that could help. They met only a few times, but Charlotte always seemed to be sparkling and beautiful, full of life and loving that life, now she looked dull, her face as pale as Jimmy's, wearing worried expression all the time. She lost some weight too. Jeff friendly patted her back, nothing sexual, he just felt like she needs to be touched in comforting manner. 

'He's not easy, he never was. But you have Scarlet. You're doing the best you can, don't blame yourself'

'I know, I know… Will you come again?'

'Yes', Jeff said without thinking. He bit his cheek from the inside, but it was too late. He didn't know why he agreed, maybe he felt guilt, maybe he was just sorry for Charlotte, however the promise was given, and smile blossomed on Charlotte’s lips like a newborn rose, shy of her own beauty, and she resembled her old self for a moment. Jeff looked back before riding away, he wasn't sure if there was silhouette in the window or just a shadow.

He needed time to cope with lots of contradictory emotions, anger, worry, niggling triumph and shame about it and old bitter feud between them to go back. Charlotte seemed more than happy to see him, deep inside Jeff hoped that Jimmy would turn him down, but when he called, Jimmy told him to come in. It seemed like there were more empty bottles than he remembered from last time. Room smelled booze and cigarettes, Jeff, smoker himself, coughed, so thick was fume.

'Jesus, I'll open the window'

Fresh cool air broke inside, smell of life and hope in this bastion of gloom. Jimmy remained silent and didn't move, so Jeff thought it's okay if he would run through his wardrobe. He found sweater and passed it to Jimmy, Jimmy slowly put it on, his face expression reflected that he didn't fully understand what he was doing. Jeff stand opposite to him, watched Jimmy lighting another cigarette. His hair was straight and a little dirty. Jimmy pointed at the sofa near him.

'Come here'

Jeff sat down, calculating how much space it would be appropriate to leave between them.  
  
'Wanna tell me how's it going?'

'What?'

'Everything. What are you working at?'

'Nothing in particular, I just finished the tour', he said, but Jimmy kept staring at him, waiting for more, so Jeff sighed and started to talk about his health problems, cars and other things. Occasionally it seemed like Jimmy was loosing interest, his eyes became heavy and sleepy, yet every time Jeff stopped, Jimmy asked him to go on. It felt odd. They didn't see for a lifetime and Jeff wasn't used to talk much, yet it was easy with Jimmy and Jimmy always listened mindfully. He didn't know what Jimmy though about it, Jimmy didn't comment. Few times he frowned in disapproval or his lips curved into weak smile, nothing more. When Jeff ran out of embarrassing tour tales, he realized that they were sitting shoulder to shoulder, ashtray full of cigarettes, half empty bottle between them and the dusk outside. Time ﬂed oddly in this room for sure. 

Jimmy put his head on Jeff's shoulder, Jeff twitched. 

'Is it okay?'

'Sorry, I just...Of course it's okay'

Jimmy didn't ask him to come back, he said nothing, Jeff just knew that he wanted him to come. The problem was in him. Long term unreleased desires, friendship that faded as years passed by, old tension, fear of seeing Jimmy like this and lots of anger. Yes, Jeff was angry at circumstances, at people who made Jimmy hurt, at his ex-bandmates, who hid at their homes with their families and left Jimmy behind, alone with his troubles. 

Nothing changed much as he was visiting. Bottles, smoke, Jimmy, high as never before, unable to speak clearly, lost in his own comfortable sinister Wonderland. Jimmy was even more down after XYZ didn't work out and Jeff had to put lots of efforts to convince him to share the stage, but watching him struggling with guitar that used to be his third hand was painful. They coped with it together, but effect was reverse that Jeff was hoping for. Being drifting among different bands and lineups for years, Jeff understood his frustration and lostness, but had no idea how to help. He kept visiting the house. Hospitable Charlotte, grateful for him for pulling Jimmy out of his shell, calling him for late family dinners, and Jimmy, shut upstairs in his hermit's privacy. Mostly he was nowhere, staring at one invisible point, blinking slowly, and they drunk a lot, more than Jeff was used to and he felt like he also started to fall. His own work didn't go well and tinnitus made him delay and restrict gigs and further recordings, sometimes he couldn't touch guitar for days, he only found any consolation in hot roads and Jimmy's pain he drunk like muddy waters. He saw it many times before, fame came with lots of expectations from others and pressure, stronger people broke down and Jimmy was always so tiny and easy to get unwell, all kinds of maladies stuck to him, he was the one always coughing, suffering from tonsillitis, nausea or stomachaches. No wonder stardom finished him.

Something in his gloomy room kept attracting Jeff, well, more likely it wasn't about the place, but about Jimmy, no matter how Jeff didn't want to admit it. Days became nights, Jimmy would ask him to light candles as he couldn't stand bright light anymore and they would drink, talk and put on some old records they used to love as teens. Jimmy was mostly sleepy and dull with his head heavy at Jeff's shoulder, Jeff wanted to let him rest, but instead kept telling himself that one more minute and he would go. Minutes slipped into hours and he wouldn’t move. Because first perplexing crush wasn't easy to forget and holding Jimmy while he was high and drunk and out of his mind was still better than having his hands empty. 

As winter became spring, spring was slowly evolving into tender summer everywhere, but not in this place with curtains mostly closed. Jimmy didn't seem to care, for him life forever stopped in late September. It looked like he dozed off, but when Jeff tried to reach for the ashtray without waking him up, Jimmy sat straight. Jimmy didn't care about his confession and didn't ever try to put any distance between them, but now something was odd and Jeff didn't know why. Jimmy looked up at him, warm breeze passed through the open window, moving his hair. He turned a little, Jeff could feel the ends of black locks touching his chin so close they were, his insides made half-drunk flip. Jimmy's eyes were ﬁxed on his lips. Jeff couldn't help but stared at his as well. 

'Y'know, if you were ever waiting for best moment to kiss me, it's now', Jimmy hinted. So simple. Jeff almost pulled away because it was sudden, Jimmy closed his eyes, letting him decide, patiently waiting and Jeff wasn't going to miss second chance. He didn't expect anything, just bent over. Their noses touched, Jimmy's breath was hot and smelling booze as many years ago, his mouth opened. Déjà vu. Jeff wanted to be gentle, not pushy, but they ended up French kissing, causing so many forgotten feelings to revive, come back from the dark corner of his mind, take over. Jimmy hardly breathed through his always running nose and moved closer without loosing connection between their lips. Jeff felt his abnormally hot body through layers of clothes and blood ran to his head, he was afraid he would go nuts. He somehow managed to stop and leave Jimmy's mouth, that welcomed his tongue willingly, hold his hands, desperately twitching buttons on Jeff's shirt. The remaining brain cells screamed that they were moving too fast and it wasn't right to rush Jimmy just after he survived the shocking nightmare. Jimmy was unwell and delirious, Jeff couldn't use him to satisfy his own egotistic desires. Funny, considering that Jimmy used to do it vise versa.

Jimmy sent him questionable glance, Jeff sighed. 'We both aren't ready for this', seemed like he tried to reason himself more than Jimmy, because Jimmy nodded with obvious relief and just cuddled to him, but Jeff was in very unstable state of mind. He put arm around Jimmy's shoulder, stroked the sleeve of his sweater, trying to concentrate on the feeling of fabric, anything to stop picturing how he would happily threw this sweater far away and push Jimmy on the sofa, taste and tame him until Jimmy would moan his name. Jeff was sure if only they made it to getting physical it would be more like clash of egos, they would turn the bed into battleﬁeld. 

He was scared. Jimmy didn't seem confused about what had happened, unlike Jeff. They kept on going. They just added it to their usual grieving program, some diversity wouldn't kill. When Jimmy was in okay mood, what did happen seldom, they kissed a lot and touch without any particular purpose, having no idea what they were trying to achieve and why. Jeff patiently moved forward step by step, slowly removing barrier between them as he removed Jimmy's clothes, shoving all the questions deep in his throat, trying his best not to be forceful and demanding, accepting it as it came. Whatever Jimmy was comfortable with. When Jimmy came up with that idea Jeff had to agree. 

He was working on soundtrack in his home studio. Jeff spent a few hours making himself comfortable in the armchair and watching from the corner. They barely exchanged a few phrases, just like 'give me this, pass me that', 'have you seen my lighter', 'thanks', but Jeff liked to watch Jimmy working. He was sober and attentive, sleeves rolled up, eyebrows curved in frown. He smoked every few minutes, sometimes he would mumble something to himself or shake his head. Jeff sipped beer from the bottle and admired him until Jimmy took off big headphones and grimaced. Someone could think that he was slightly annoyed, Jeff knew him too well to say Jimmy was pissed off.

'I'm just done for today. I cannot even understand what am I doing anymore, all parts sound the same'

'You aren't obligated to finish it in one day, relax'

'Relax', Jimmy repeated slowly, tasting that word, considering. He slipped out of the chair and moved closer, sat on the handle, still frowning. Jeff patted his knee. 'Maybe you're right', Jimmy removed slightly curled hair away form his face, Jeff noticed dark circles under his eyes.

'You shouldn't work yourself to death'

'I won't. Actually it's a primitive task, I just lost a touch'

Jeff didn't know what to answer, whatever he said Jimmy wouldn't listen. He needed to be perfect, always. Jimmy slid in between his legs, sitting half side, his lips pressed to Jeff's, tongue licking him, testing the waters. Jeff hold him tight while they were making out, he didn't plan to push it further than that, but Jimmy took his hand and put under his shirt wordlessly. Jeff could feel hot skin, thin and dry like paper, he could feel Jimmy's stomach movements as he inhaled and exhaled, he slid his palm up and down, circled thumb around Jimmy's navel and stopped on the way as Jimmy froze. Jeff's intention was to pull away, but Jimmy rustled, 'Go on'. He opened his belt, which included some struggles with massive buckle, and pushed Jeff's fingers under. Hand clung to Jeff's shoulder, Jimmy lowered his head, perfectly hidden behind dark locks. Jeff felt rough of his pubic hair and found Jimmy half hard. He wasn't sure what to do, started stroking him as he would do to himself, slowly and delicate, afraid to hurt. Jimmy placed his hand over Jeff's, guided him, set up the speed, his breath went all trembling, hard, fingers, weakly squeezing Jeff's, slipped away. His mouth opened helplessly and Jimmy made a soft sob Jeff never heard before. Jeff put one arm around him, pressing him closer, holding him straight to look at Jimmy's face, other one kept stroking him faster. Jimmy tilted his head, revealing fragile neck covered with pale freckles, Adam apple moving from hard swallowing, his brows curved as if he was aching. He came fast and quietly, biting lower lip and wrinkling his snub nose in kind of cute manner. Warm semen spread over Jeff's palm. It felt strange, insane, like getting laid with your very old crush who was also your old best friend could feel, but definitely not bad. Jeff wouldn't mind doing it again.

Jimmy blinked a few times and said in a weak voice, 'You pried'

'Couldn't help, you look so good when you're about to come'

'Gosh', Jimmy made a movement as if he wanted to cover his face, but then just fixed the fly, stood up and passed Jeff his jacket. 'Just to make it clear, I didn't get laid for a long time that feels like forever. Clean it already'

'But that's your clothes'

'I have to wash it anyway'

Jeff took it and wiped his hand with velvety material. It smelled sweat, smoke and Jimmy. Jimmy watched him almost curiously. 'What?'

'We aren't done yet'

He attacked Jeff's lips, their bodies pressed together again, lust and despair in Jimmy's eyes. His movements were impatient and chaotic, teeth scratched Jeff's neck, made him twitch, while Jimmy's hand rubbed his crotch. It was clumsy, yet ultimately hot. The way Jimmy tickled him with his breath and undid his zipper, then bent over and licked, leaving wet line on Jeff's stomach from his navel down to the edge of his jeans and lower. Jeff gasped, grabbed Jimmy's shoulders. 

'Wait', he panicked. He knew what Jimmy was up to and he also knew after that there was no way back. They wouldn't be the same again, their relationships would change and he wasn't sure if he wanted to risk loosing Jimmy as a friend for the shadow of unsecured tomorrow. 'Isn't it too much?'

Jimmy looked at him. 'Why do you always want it complicated while it's simple? I don't want any riddles, any worries about some future, it's unnecessary'

'You're irresponsible for your actions'

'I took the stage in worse condition'

'Jim...'

Jimmy pressed forefinger to his lips. 'No more talking'

Jimmy leaned arms on his knee, hair hanging down his shoulders, closing the view. Jeff wasn't ready. His body didn't obey him anymore, because there was something wrong with his breath and his hands trembled like if he was alcoholic when he softly grabbed short locks. Jimmy frozen. 

'Don't'

'Fuck, James, bloody hell'

'We're gonna do my way, no grabbing, no talking', Jimmy ordered in that mentor 'Jimmy knows better' tone Jeff knew so well. It always made him annoyed, but now it strangely worked backwards and Jeff just wanted him more than ever, he seldom wanted anything so much that he couldn't bear it. Jeff clenched armrests to hold to something to stay on earth. 'And don't even touch my head, I'm not a damn groupie to you'

'What else? Shall I cut off my eyes not to make you offended?'

Jimmy chuckled into his skin and gave him a small stomach lick again. His mouth was warm and wet, lips squeezed him hard, tongue tickled and teased, trying to skin him alive, burning, making Jeff question how would he be able to sleep with anyone else after this, because no way they could compare. Jimmy Page not just put his debut album to shame, used his ideas and kicked his ass, he probably just broke his dick. Splendid. Jimmy moved slowly. His locks jumped a little, cheek pressed to Jeff's stomach, stubble pricked tender skin in a way too sensual for having oral sex with other man. It was hard to not to grab his hair and fuck him like this, but Jeff knew Jimmy wasn't joking and less of all he wanted to get killed without getting to climax. Instead Jeff placed hand on Jimmy's lower back, rolling up the edge of his shirt, running thumb around his spine bones. Seeing fade brownish freckles there made him loose his mind completely, all Jeff could think was how he wanted to kiss every little fleck because it looked so seductive and cute at the same time and he knew not so many people were allowed to see it. Jimmy helped himself with hand to make him come and Jeff gave up, finally calling his name. Sure, Jimmy would be proud, fucking bizarre freak. 

Jimmy sat straight and lighted a cigarette that they shared in silence, then walked back to control panel. Jeff couldn't believe he acted so casual like nothing happened. 

'Didn't you claim you're conscious?'

'It's just sex, shall I ask you for a date or hysterically cry over my lost masculinity because I gave you a blow?'

'Fuck', Jeff needed time to fix his clothes and come up with some sort of answer, 'You cannot be so blunt'

Jimmy turned back, pointing at him with cigarette between his fingers, 'Hey, stop buzzing, I'm trying to work here. If you wanna grieve about it I cannot help'

'I'm serious, I want you to feel better, not to give blowjobs here and there. I feel like I'm abusing...', he wanted to use term 'your condition', but decided against it not to make Jimmy angry, '...you'

Jimmy rolled his eyes, 'I'm the one who initiated this. I like it and I do feel better, next time just do the same if it make you sleep at night and stop annoying me'. Jeff felt the urge to protest, Jimmy cut him off, 'I need to finish it, don't disturb me'

He put on the headphones. Jeff got mixed feelings of annoyance and desire to give Jimmy tight hug. He kissed back of his head, letting himself melt for a moment, smelling Jimmy's hair and left before Jimmy would kick him out. When he got down, he saw Scarlet sitting on the stairway. For a moment he was terrified if she heard or suspected something inappropriate because everything shouted out about what they did. He smelled Jimmy, he tasted Jimmy and he was marked by Jimmy, it was hard not to notice, but she looked just sad and a little bored. 

'Mum said I cannot go up', she said with envy, her brows curved in vexation and Jeff thought that little girls weren't suppose to feel this way because it was so wrong. Little girls should enjoy ice cream and skip a rope, not taking responsibilities for their parent's distress.  
  
'Maybe it's better for you, dear'

'But you can'

'Yes, your dad is very sick and you're too young, you don't have enough strong immunity', Christ, he didn't even know what he was talking about, he was never good with children and always felt awkward in their presence, but Scarlet bought it. Her face lightened up, she seemed to come to some conclusion and sighed like an adult. 

'When is he going to feel well?'

'He's trying, give him some time'

'I miss him'

Jeff could say the same. He missed Jimmy for solid decade, he just didn't know it.

Despite being unhealthy and down Jimmy was gorgeous. Better than Jeff could imagine, actually he stopped imagining years ago, because it seemed a desperate waste of time, but now as they got together again and did all these things, admiration bothered him, because he shouldn't admire someone that fucked up. They never had normal sex, yet Jimmy never refused any other stuff though he didn't like getting naked, not comfortable in his own skin. Jeff didn't give a damn, he liked every inch of his edgy body, so dissimilar to female's. He never asked, knowing that it was useless, but he knew that Jimmy did it before, he couldn't not to, and he was desperately jealous of these other men. It was foolish, he should have been on their place, he should have tried it long ago if only he knew, if only things didn't turn so ugly back then. Jeff felt a little sorry for Charlotte, who trusted him. She opened the doors, gave him opportunity to get closer to Jimmy and she was left with nothing, but Jeff couldn't refuse when he was able to ease Jimmy's suffering by something as simple as sex, he loved seeing anything else on his face besides apathy and knew that he was the reason of it. Jeff was aware of risks, but he could only follow Jimmy here. Charlotte must be very trusting or very loyal, even if she suspected something, she never showed it. 

First time he saw Jimmy collapse was soon after releasing the Death Wish II. They sat in his home studio, Jeff with headphones on his head, Jimmy chain smoking as usual. It was the first time Jeff had a chance to see what Jimmy was working on, he didn't let anybody hear it in process. Jeff had to bring the new-bought record and play it, Jimmy said nothing, he was indifferent. He stared somewhere, his eyes were like an empty house without any furniture or decorations and Jeff didn't try to get him involved. After all he might be fed up, working without rest to finish it in time.

'This is good', Jeff said after last minutes of record played and needle went shushing, scratching vinyl in vain. Jimmy didn't look at him and Jeff patted his knee. That was the time Jimmy lost control. 

'Do you really think I wanted this?', he spat, pushing Jeff's hand away, 'All I fucking want is to make records for my fucking band, but it's gone like yesterday and I'm doing whatever, pretending it's fine'

He stood up, started to angrily circle the room, too small to store all his frustration. Jeff didn't know how to react. Jimmy never hold the offence, he just wasn't that type of person, he let it go easily, just burned the bridges and forgot. Or drunk. Let the pain collect in his fragile body, sit down in his liver, slowly poison him, he hardly showed his emotions. Jimmy broke down so suddenly as if someone pressed turn off button inside of him. He froze on the way, hands leaning on the table, breathing scarcely. He covered his mouth and Jeff thought he was going to throw up, but instead Jimmy made a strange noise, sort of crack came out of his throat. He swallowed hard, shivered, slowly descended to the floor, hugging himself, biting his own hand, trembling. Jeff rushed to hold him, tried to look at his face, but Jimmy lowered his head, hid behind his hair. His shoulders felt so small, of course they were, too weak to carry so much weight, muscles tensed. He sat there like a ball of loneliness and despair. 

'Jim, you okay?'

He didn't respond, he tried, but started to choke with sobs instead, while his face remained dry, no single tear, nothing at all.

'Hey, it's all right, you gonna be okay, do you hear me? Nod if you understand'

Jimmy made no movement. He kept on suffocating. His fingers anxiously scaped through his neck to chest as if Jimmy wanted to cut it open and get a breath, nails left red ugly scratches on pale skin. Jeff removed his hand, it was icy cold and felt strange, for no reason he couldn't recognize it. Jeff placed one palm on Jimmy's back, another one on his chest to feel his heart beating going out of control. For a moment Jeff wanted to panic too, thinking that Jimmy was about to die from heart attack right there, but he told himself to sober up. No time to be frightened, Jimmy needed him. 

'Listen to my voice. You're okay, you're safe, I'm here. Just try to breath, in and out, slowly, like this', Jeff persuaded. He tried to remove Jimmy's hand from his mouth, but his teeth clenched so hard nothing could make them part. Jimmy stared at him and didn't recognize, his face scared Jeff to death. Jimmy reminded him of wild beast, dangerous, uncontrollable in his fury or silent agony. Green wide opened eyes didn't belong to human, blood exuded on his skin, drop of saliva fell down to Jeff's wrist. First urge was to pull away, but Jeff reasoned himself. Of course it wasn't Jimmy, real Jimmy was hidden somewhere deep inside and it was Jeff's job to get him out. It seemed like his words and touches had no effect, but gradually Jimmy started to breathe again, deep and hard, he sounded like each inhalation hurt him as if he was breathing fire. Jeff noticed that he was sweating, all his shirt was soaked in sweat, even Jeff's hand became clammy. He pulled him closer, Jimmy leaned into touch. His body softened, eyes closed and bitten hand dropped down. Jeff wiped his mouth. 

'Are you back? Shall I bring you some water?'

Jimmy nodded slowly. Jeff stood up, searched for something, found only cup with whiskey on the bottom. While he was waiting to get it filled with water from the tub he glanced in the mirror. His own image was pale and tired. Jeff shook his head, placed glass on the sink and washed his face. 

Jimmy was sitting on the floor, looking like he had no idea what he was doing there, reminding of the empty shell. Jeff kicked this thought away, passed him glass.

'Stop it. Really, it's so annoying', Jimmy pointed on the record, still spinning and producing rustle. Jeff raised the needle. 'I'm sorry, I wasn't here, kind of blackout. I just know we were talking and than this, I'm on the floor and...', he made some slight hand gesture and fell silent. Jeff put his arms around Jimmy, trying to picture the nightmare he lived in since Bonzo died. Jimmy always relied on himself, it must be his parent's divorce, Jeff remembered that after this Jimmy became strange, like part of him was just gone and never came back. But now he trustfully snuggled to Jeff's shoulder and they were like in their best days when Jeff would come to Jimmy's house after school, his mother served them some snacks and tea and they got upstairs to Jimmy's room to share their music, secrets and dreams. In summer Jimmy always kept the window wide opened what attracted different insects and sometimes Jimmy would grimace as some beetle flied inside and sit on his bed. Jeff joked about it and threw them away. Lord only knew how much Jeff missed these good old times and how much he regretted now that he didn't move closer to kiss Jimmy's smiling lips, while they were listening to his favorite records. Jimmy used to smile a lot, now something tragic settled in the curve of his mouth.

'It's all right, you're safe', Jeff whispered into his hair. 

'Do you hate me?'

'Not at all, you'll always be my friend, Jim'

Jimmy entwined their fingers. Jeff noticed some burrs with dry blood on his fingers and gnawed thumb nail. Jimmy followed his glance and said, 'I was sad'

'I know'

He remembered it too. Jimmy chewed his nails when he was stressed. Jeff thought he beat this bad habit long time ago, he took Jimmy's hands in his and squeezed.

'Y'know, when my parents died... We didn't want to make funerals big, but we had to call all the relatives, co-workers, friends, so finally it reminded more of grotesque feast full of crying people and flowers. There was no one to help, we organized it together, me and Annetta, in the end we were tired like never and these people talked behind our backs, they said we're heartless just because we didn't cry our eyes out. After everything was done we got back to our parents house and drunk ourselves to death, we were drinking the whole weekend, playing music, dancing on the table, getting plastered. On Monday I woke up with first class hangover, she was cleaning downstairs. We threw away all the trash, bottles, books, then we got to rid of their things, I took mum's piano, Annetta took some clothes and her casket and we were done, we sold the house and never spoke about it anymore'

Jimmy looked at him. Jeff gave him encouraging smile and Jimmy smiled back, but he wasn't fully here. His lips just formed a smile, some mechanical movement comparable with brushing teeth in the morning, no emotions were implied.

'If anything happens... Remember me as your friend, not as mighty Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin, okay?'

Jeff hated this kind of talks, but he could only nod and make a promise and melt into Jimmy's heartbeat, claiming that he was still alive. 

Jeff couldn't completely understand what Jimmy was going through. He worried that it was partly his fault, maybe he should have talk to Jimmy, keep eye on him, he heard rumors about Jimmy's problems, but ignored them, considering that Jimmy could sort it out himself. Jeff's only addiction was cars and he had no idea why people preferred to drawn into drug abuse instead of letting their anger out. Locking up feelings, escaping them seemed unhealthy in his books, but Jimmy used to live like that among army of empty bottles and unﬁnished cigarettes everywhere, awful mess he didn’t let anyone to clean. And he should have wash his hair like day before yesterday but he didn't really bother anymore. Leaving him Jeff was always terrified that next morning somewhere between boiling water for tea and buttering hot toast he would open newspaper and see screaming headline 'Ex-Led Zeppelin's guitarist found dead at his house', Jeff saw it in nightmares that caused insomnia and insomnia worsened his tinnitus. He couldn't disengage from it, it happened to him before when he heard that Jimi died and he couldn't do anything, he would never forget how shocked and useless he felt and how it made him wrathful till he lost sleep and appetite for a while. When Ronnie launched the charity concert and offered Jimmy ability to return on stage Jeff was happy. But Jimmy hesitated.

'I don't know, really', he said and rubbed his unshaven chin. 'I didn't play for I don't even know how long'

'I'll be there, ready to hold your hair if you wanna puke'

Jimmy looked dissatisfied with his pledge. He sat straight and ﬁxed his clothes, took a cigarette. 'Very nice of you'

'What? Wasn't it what I've done for you during every party when you got wasted beyond any possible limits? C'mon, I'll get your back'

'There will be thousands of people and I don't even know if I'll be able to walk on stage and hold guitar'

'Of course, you will, you're legendary Jimmy Page'

Jimmy looked at him suspiciously, trying to ﬁgure out if Jeff was kidding. Jeff took his cigarette and made a drug, exhaling smoke at his face, then placed it back between Jimmy's lips. 

'Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in here and I'm gonna sit in this room till the end of the world'

'Then the end is now. It's your home, not a trap'

Jimmy sighed. To Jeff's surprise Jimmy followed him outside. It was too early to sleep and Charlotte deﬁnitely heard them, but she didn't come out. Instead they spotted couple of strangers sitting here and there on the grass, must be fans, they were waiting outside, but no one dared to approach them. Jimmy watched Jeff fastening safety belt and bent over the window to send him air kiss. 

'Stop ﬂirting with me, I'm afraid these girls might get jealous, follow me, break my car and hide my corpse so well no one will ever find out'

'Don't worry, I'll distract them', Jimmy grinned almost playfully, just in his usual before-accident manner. Jeff smiled to himself. To make him go back to normal Jimmy should be kept busy, maybe Eric and Ronnie did right thing calling him. 

He was nervous and insecure. Jeff knew it wasn't only about the gig, but about the month. September. Time when everything was beginning to die, the weather became more unpredictable and naughty, the leaves started to shrink and get dry, the sky darkened with heavy clouds. Personally Jeff disliked cold seasons, he preferred sunny California, beaches, ride in convertible cars, but Septembers became more hopeless since Bonzo died. It was harder for Jimmy. Jeff could see him fading, loosing sense of reality, becoming more and more anxious. Jimmy never went to visit his grave, but he never forgot, not even for a moment.

‘Why are we here?’, Jimmy complained again.

‘To clean up your head’

Jimmy flashed him annoyed look and opened the door, hanging his long legs out, immediately enveloping himself with smoke like with warm coat. Jeff cringed when the wind got under his opened collar and mumbled, ‘What a season’ 

Jimmy grimaced at him and fixed his scarf. Jeff went around the car and placed his hands on Jimmy’s shoulders, but Jimmy escaped his gaze.

'Someone was complaining about not touching strings for months, now you can get it together in peace. Just rest and practice'

'No'

Jeff didn't take it seriously. Jimmy was always stubborn and had troubles admitting his fuck ups.

'Fine', he said, searching through pockets for his own pack of cancer sticks, 'I'll take a walk, you can find the guitar in the back'

'What if I just ride away without you?'

'You can’t, you didn’t pass driving exam'

Jimmy pouted. Jeff left him alone, wandered the hills and rocks. Leaves started to fall already, a bit early this year, rustling under his shoes, making crispy sound like eating crackers or chips, but sun was still warm. It caressed Jeff's cheeks, reflected in the tiny river. After few minutes of walking the wind stopped bothering him, Jeff even opened his jacket to cool down a little. Even now he couldn't get peace and concentrate on nature's beauty, he thought about Jimmy, worried about him. 

When the big angry clouds showed up Jeff decided it was time to get back. Jimmy was laying on the grass. Hands behind his head, eyes half blinked, the guitar carefully placed near the wheel of the car. Jeff didn’t ask how it was, he read it on Jimmy’s frustrated face. 

'Let’s get back', Jeff offered him hand. Jimmy examined it for a moment like if he was deciding if he should accept it or push it away, then put his cold fingers in Jeff’s palm. He was lighter than feather and inhumanly skinny, but Jeff would prefer this frail body to any tanned full breasted actress. Jeff saw him so many times, yet getting Jimmy naked never failed to make him exited like a child unwrapping his Christmas present. Jimmy fasten safety belt and closed his eyes, all his nervous gestures screaming about how done he was. They rode in silence. They passed Lancaster when the rain broke down with strength of waterfall. Jeff turned on wipers, Jimmy stretched his hand out of the window, catching water, letting it wet the sleeve, get inside, splatter his jeans. 

'Close it', Jeff said. Jimmy frowned and leaned back on sit. He switched on radio, tried different stations, but it only translated glitches, probably because of the storm.

'I cannot believe that you don’t check up the broadcast before planning a trip', he scolded crustily, making Jeff irritated.

'Y’know what, I was a lil busy trying to drug your scrawny ass out of your shit'

'Did I ever fucking ask for it?', Jimmy crossed hands on his chest self-protectively. Jeff forgot how sour Jimmy could be, unable to release his anger he hit the wheel, his voice went shaky.

'Would you please shut up and let me drive in peace?'

'Sure, if it’s faster this way'

Jimmy pulled out a cigarette and muttered something about how much he wanted to be home already. Smell of nicotine made Jeff crazily want a smoke, he slipped his hand in the pocket, but it was empty. He must have stored it in glove compartment. Jeff reached to open it, searched through some forgotten coins, old candy bars and empty chewing gum's covers, when Jimmy let out a squawk, which made Jeff twitch and accidentally hit his hand. He hissed and grabbed the wheel, turned, just in time to escape the strike. The car wobbled to the side, slid on the wet concrete and got off the road. Jimmy covered his face and released a bunch of curse words Jeff didn’t know he was capable of speaking. He buried his toe in brake pedal. 

Accident didn't happen only by lucky coincidence. Jeff loosened the grip on the wheel and broke into hysterical laugh. Jimmy slowly lowered his hands, watched him with scowl and Jeff noticed that his arms were shaky, fingers clung to his knees, scratching the fabric. Jeff forced himself to stop inappropriate snickers and covered Jimmy’s palms with his own. Jimmy wordlessly pushed him away.

'We could fucking die'

'Jesus, how would I foresee the cow in the middle of the road in such a weather?'

Jimmy didn’t respond, he made an angry sniffle, took a deep breath and massaged his temples. Glanced outside. It still was raining hard and gloomy sky didn’t give a hope that it would get better. Jeff sighed and pressed gas, but the car didn't move. Jimmy didn't comment, just flashed him annoyed look and despite the weather Jeff was more than happy to get outside, away from him. Quick look at possible damage made him frown. He returned back to car and sat there silently, trying to form careful words in his mouth.

'What?'

'I think it's broken'

Jimmy hissed and pressed his forehead to the window, rubbed his face.

'Do you have umbrella?'

'No'

'Whatever, we cannot stay here forever', Jimmy had a point, there was still a long way to London and it was getting dark, however Jeff wasn’t enthusiastic about his obvious plan. 'We should go now, I don't want to sleep in the broken car in the middle of nowhere'

'Take my jacket'

'Don’t be idiot, I can use my own'

Jimmy reached for guitar, he carried it carefully like a baby. Jeff knew that Jimmy always respected and loved instruments, perhaps even more than humans, who played these instruments. When he was terrified by idea of breaking guitar for Blow Up, Keith made a joke, he said something like 'Of course, Jimmy Page is sleeping with his guitar, what a pity that his wooden baby doesn't respond his feelings'. But Jeff understood him, he couldn’t imagine how frustrating it was for Jimmy to know that one of his guitars was stolen during the tour. Jeff followed his silhouette, caught up with him and they walked side by side, Jimmy hugging himself and frowning. Jeff wanted to enclasp him, but didn’t dare to touch Jimmy in such a mood. They followed the path, if someone paved the bricks on the road there must be people somewhere. They both got sodden before spotting small houses in the distance. Jimmy sped up, encouraged by hope of getting somewhere where it would be warm and dry. The sign claimed it was Bamber Bridge and Jeff realized he had no shadiest idea about where the hell they stuck. The city or more luckily the village seemed to be very small, they entered the street, glancing around, searching for somewhere they could stop. Jimmy saw the pub first, his lips curved in satisfied smirk.

'I think I’ll wait you there and you can call tow truck or whatever'

They got inside and Jimmy went straight to the bar counter. Jeff asked sleepy waitress in the corner if they had telephone and got negative answer. However, she told him where he could find it and Jeff regretfully stepped under the rain again. His hair was completely wet and stuck to his face in annoying way, he almost run down the street, mumbling curses. 

The girls in beauty saloon were surprised by his clumsy invasion, but then one of the young clients with hair wrapped in foil stood up and exclaimed, 'Oh no, you know how’s that?’ and Jeff got surrounded by excited ladies, wanting his autograph and all that stuff. In exchange they offered him hot cup of tea and free access to the phone in the back of the saloon. Jeff sighed in relive when he was left alone, he spent good thirty minutes in attempt to get a taxi, that failed because no one wanted to ride in such a weather, and explaining where exactly he left his car. Polite voice informed him that 'he's sorry, but it's too risky to drive right now'. He got promised to get tow car by tomorrow noon, so Jeff thanked the man and hanged up, thinking about how happy Jimmy would be to hear the news.

Jimmy was handling situation pretty well. He gracefully balanced on the edge of high chair and slowly sipped something that looked and smelled like mulled wine, managing to give charming smiles here and there and chat with group of people, mostly young females, who must be his fans. Knowing that he wasn’t much of talker Jeff was surprised how easy Jimmy seemed. Probably he missed being in the spotlight. Someone offered him towel which now was hanging from his shoulders, even being wet like frog Jimmy remained classy. Then he raised his head and saw Jeff in the doorway. His face muscles tensed, but Jimmy forced a smile and waved his hand. His fans however weren’t impressed. Jeff didn’t care, all he wanted was to take Jimmy away, get under hot shower, probably together, if Jimmy could stop being an asshole for a few minutes, and roll in cozy bed. 

'Would you mind me stealing my dearest friend?', he said with grin. Girls looked disappointed. Jimmy finished his drink and wished them good night before they left. Jeff offered him umbrella that he got from talkative saloon manager, Missy, in return he had to sigh a piece of paper for her, liten how her granny was sick and spent last two years in bed and how ignorant are young ladies nowadays in her opinion. Missy gave him only one umbrella because the girls working there needed to get home themselves, so Jimmy had to kind of snuggle up to him to let it cover both of them. Jeff couldn’t help gliding palm to his ass since Jimmy was helpless about it, both hands busy with umbrella handle. Jimmy pushed him with elbow.

'Where are we going by the way?'

'They cannot do anything right now and no luck getting taxi, so I thought we shall spend night here. I found a place'

'Goddamn great'

Jeff shrugged. He didn’t care what Jimmy thought. The inn seemed fairly nice from outside and didn’t disappoint inside. At least it wasn’t bad option for Jeff, Jimmy sighed behind, of course he was used to live in fashionable hotels which didn't exist in Bamber Bridge. Whatever he wanted to say Jeff wasn’t moving his feet anymore. He smiled to receptionist who was surprised by their visit. In such a small town like this there must be limited amount of visitors. Jeff got the rooms while Jimmy was silently getting done with him and signing papers, he generously placed his signature when the boy admitted to be huge Led Zeppelin fan, escaping conversation with mysterious smile. Jeff had no doubts when left alone he was going to have first class tongue-lashing. Jimmy followed him to his room, put his keys on the table, took off jacket, squeezed his eyes for a moment and breathed in, probably preparing for long humiliating speech Jeff had to listen. 

'It’s fucking worst way someone ever tried to help me coping with my shit'

'Well', Jeff raised his hands, showing that he gave up without a fight, 'I’m sorry that I’m not god of thunder who controls the weather'

'If you can’t drive than don’t'

'I don’t control cows either'

'Then pray to your bloody god, Jeff', Jimmy treaded on him. Jeff didn’t believe that Jimmy could hit him, but dark piercing eyes forced Jeff to recede. The edge of the bed suddenly got on his way, Jeff stumbled and ungracefully fell down, 'Pray that I don’t get sick because I've got pissed off already'

Jimmy crawled on top of him, smelling wine, rain and frustration mixed with good amount of drunk lust. Jeff pushed him away.

‘The hell, Jim, at least change your freaking clothes and shoes’

Jimmy didn't give up, clinging to his t-shirt, pulling Jeff to his side. Kiss was rough and wet, Jimmy's tongue tasted cinnamon and spices, circled around his tongue and dug deeper, mouthfucking him. Jimmy slid hands over his hips and picked up jeans fastener. Jeff groaned in displeasure as Jimmy jerked him off rough and ﬁercely, orgasm came fast, leaving Jeff unsatisﬁed and disappointed, aching for more, desiring to squeeze Jimmy in his hands, undress him and feel every inch of his naked body. 

Jimmy grinned, wiped his palm with sheets and stood up to leave in his perfect casual 'nothing happened' way, but Jeff plucked at his wrist, dragged him back to beg. No way he would let Jimmy escape and picture himself that he won Jeff over again. No way he would be left in such a degrading position. Jimmy fought him, tried to get out and Jeff had to clamp his neck to force him into kiss. Jimmy bit, leaving taste of blood in his mouth, floundered in bed with no successful result, while Jeff pulled up his wet shirt stuck to his flat stomach and undid the belt. 

'Are you scared? What do you fear?'

'Fuck you', Jimmy spitted, his face pinkish and covered with sticky hair.

'All right'

Jimmy wanted to remove his hands, but what he feared most happened, he lost control as Jeff started stroking him, getting soft helpless sound out of his throat like he did with the guitars. Jeff enjoyed to watch him like this, all loose and off guards, natural, passionate as he was on stage furiously fingering his famous doubleneck. Jimmy scratched the sheets, his body curved, hips pushing into Jeff's hand. Jeff loosened grip on his neck, slid his palm up and forced two ﬁngers between his lips. Jimmy twirled his head and clenched his teeth, but then gave up. If he put more pressure he could probably break him, but Jeff would never do it to Jimmy. Jeff felt him licking his fingerprints. He came with a little moan, pushing ﬁngers out with his tongue, his body relaxed under Jeff’s. They laid down quietly for a while, like if they never had this fight, before Jimmy sat up and took off his clothes completely.

'What are you doing?'

'Is there any sense of wearing it?'

'Guess no'

Jeff lazily took off his too, covered them with blanket. Jimmy lighted a cigarette, seeing his lips entwined around the ﬁlter sent special signals to Jeff's brains. He carefully hugged him, kissed his face and Jimmy leaned into embrace without hesitation. They kissed and touched until Jeff topped him, spread his legs and dragged Jimmy into gentle love making. Jimmy didn't say no this time, he accepted it and responded, going willingly into Jeff's hips thrusts. He ﬁnally raised his ass and started to move himself. Jeff cupped his buttocks, softly squeezed and Jimmy moaned to his ear, so intimate that Jeff wanted to stay like this forever, trapped between his legs, inside of him in dark hotel room. There was nothing left between them, no pretense, no resentment, no rivalry. Jeff just couldn't held any old offences when Jimmy looked so defenseless and trustful, Jeff left behind everything they had had before and let his feelings out. They moved synchronously, slowly building up tension until he led Jimmy to finish. It was nothing like before, his orgasm resonated everywhere in Jeff's body, Jimmy squeezed him so hard it was painful, it always was this way with him, he seemed so lost in pleasure that Jeff didn't take long to follow him and he was stupidly happy about it. This time it felt good and fulfilling.

'We did it', he murmured, still knocked out.

'Yeah, looks like this', Jimmy smiled, covered himself with blanket and hid his face in the pillow, his voice sounded muﬄed, 'You coming? I'm not much into after sex romantic bullshit, but if you just hug me it's okay'

Been given a hint Jeff moved closer and put his arm around Jimmy's thin waist, rubbed his hip bone and squinted. Even after they slept Jeff still had too many doubts, seemed like their situation became even more complicated. He decided not to give a fuck and let it work out naturally. He still felt taste of Jimmy's tongue and he didn't want to destroy what they created, because they couldn't cooperate often, but when they did it used to come out beautifully, just like now. It reminded Jeff their time together in The Yardbirds, when they shared stage and compete for attention, sometimes producing an awful noise, sometimes giving the best performances ever.

'Good night'

Jimmy hummed in agreement. 

Morning came too fast, Jeff wasn't prepared for it. When he opened his eyes he saw sunlight in Jimmy's hair and his pale shoulder under slipped blanket. Jimmy breathed deeply, he was asleep and Jeff carefully got up to search for his clothes. He decided to take a shower in Jimmy’s room since Jimmy occupied his. And to be true he didn't want neither to wake Jimmy up, nor to see his usual morning routine of getting smacked or whatever Jimmy needed to wake up. 

He folded Jimmy’s clothes, counted holes in his belt until it made him sick. Before leaving Jeff stood near the bed and carefully examined Jimmy. Now as he was sleeping his face looked untroubled and younger, even he was sickly pallid. His frail hand rested on the pillow, dark eyelashes quivered. At least there was time when he wasn't hurt and his lips were slightly parted, but didn't form a shape of that sad curve Jeff used to see. He placed kiss on his forehead, showered, got a breakfast and dealt with his car problem, which went surprisingly smoothly and fast, before getting back to find Jimmy drinking downstairs. He didn’t bother himself with a glass and Jeff judged his manners while the same reception boy from yesterday was flashing looks of admiration to him. Jeff thought he better look like this at his girl and chuckled. Jimmy heard his voice and glanced at him, trying to figure out what was so funny.

'Are we finally going home?'

'Every time you want'

'Great cause I want it right now'. He put on sunglasses and slowly walked outside, a little unstable, Jeff softly pushed his back, guided him to the exit. On the back seat Jimmy leaned to him so close his lips almost touched Jeff's ear and said, 'I liked it’ to turn away immediately. Jeff needed time to get what he was referring to and discover that Jimmy was actually shy. He sat there, biting his lip and trying to pretend that he didn't know Jeff was looking. In day light Jeff spotted freckles and moles on his neck that he wanted to touch and lick, such a shame they couldn't do it. If only they were alone he would tease Jimmy, but he just smiled to himself and let comfortable silence settle between them. Warm feelings of hope along with desire of keep protecting Jimmy even if it meant protecting him from himself rose in his chest.

  
Jimmy made a sip from the bottle and pushed speed to the limit. The wind roared in his ears, hair covered his eyes, narrowing the view, music rattled so loud he couldn't hear his own screams. 

He stopped just a few steps away from the pit. Car creaked lamentably like if vehicles were complaining about his reckless stupidity, he switched off the radio to get more whiskey in peace and realized his cheeks were wet. Jimmy wiped them with the sleeve of his jacket. No matter what these fuckers thought, they could imagine whatever makes them sleep at night, but Jimmy Page never wanted to commit suicide. 

He wasn't afraid to die, but it seemed like death scared a lot of people away and they were afraid they would catch it like a disease. Sometimes walking into the room he felt like everyone was staring at him or whispering about him, they avoided his company like if he carried plague. No one knew how to act after John's death, so they just chose to escape, reminding Jimmy of himself after Robert lost his son. Nothing to be proud of, he was smacked and he didn't care much about something so far away as Robert's family, when they had to cancel the tour he felt annoyance and hurried up to drown all his anger in white powder. Fucking idiot he was, just as these people around him, anyway he never searched their sympathy, so fuck them.

What really brought him down was his own bandmates. Once Jimmy heard or read somewhere that if people share pain it can make them only closer or separate them completely. Unfortunately their case was separation. There was no special agreement, they just kept away from each other, tried not to appear at the same place. Jimmy wouldn't mind to share his worries with Jonesy or Robert, after all with whom else should he, no one who wasn't with them could understand, but it seemed like they didn't need him. Probably all these shit-talks about his occult interests and curse finally hit them between their eyes. Jimmy didn't want to think that they believed in that, but some bastards kept rising this topic, sometimes making Jimmy believe himself that he was cursed. 

He couldn't drive anymore. Sun tranquilly shined in the sky in that unfriendly manner, mocking him for his inability to ﬁx anything. The seats smelled heated leather. Jimmy lazily picked up sunglasses, took a smoke. 

He dozed off, result of sleepless nights, alcohol and coke mixed together in one dangerous cocktail. When he opened his eyes, he felt strange to realize he was still there, alive, breathing and pretty much okay if he didn't count biting pain in his chest, eating him alive. Jimmy rubbed his unshaven face, tasted ashes on his lips. He discovered that he fell asleep with cigarette in his mouth, but somehow the fire didn’t break out. Fortune always stayed on his side without any logical explanation, however it didn't save him from loosing the only thing he truly cared about. 

He bit his hand, salty taste of skin and sweat filled his mouth. Sun was going down. Where was he? Jimmy didn't know, all he knew was thirst, his tongue was so dry it ached. He cursed. He didn't plan on that, he didn't plan anything in particular, it was spontaneous decision to run away, escape. He failed. He searched for something to drink, his ﬁngers stumbled upon glass. Jimmy pulled out unfinished bottle of Jack. Must be enough for few sips, enough to drive him home. He opened it, whiskey burnt his throat in that familiar way that always made him calm down like baby would calm down sucking mother's milk. 

It was fucking warm. 

He was a downer indeed. Jimmy threw the bottle out, it broke with resonant sound, leaving strong smell of alcohol in the air. Jimmy turned on the radio, switched between stations, but there was nothing interesting for him. People kept blabbering about the weather, new Bowie’s album and other crap. And nothing about accident, nothing about them.

Jimmy was sweating. Sweat absorbed into his shirt and leaked through material, even his jacket was wet, his hands shaking on the wheel, panic throbbing inside his head. He ﬁxed sunglasses, breathed deeply. Told himself that he could make it, he always coped. He felt urge to get away from this unknown territory immediately, get back to people he knew, touch them, speak to them, anything to prove he was still here, he didn't fade away as a ghost of old house. And most of all he needed their music. He needed to sense these heavy records in his hands, touch the cover’s fabric, put them on, suck in every little sound. His lips were salty and dry, he kept licking them until they cracked, then he bit into the scratches, making them sore. If this existed, he existed too.

He woke up in the dark. Every muscle in his body hurt, he could smell something dusty. Jimmy had to wait and blink his heavy eyes before he sat up and examined surroundings. He spotted familiar sofa, his messy clothes, dozens of records scattered here and there. He was laying on the ﬂoor in his room, which wasn't bad. The bad news was that he did forget what day it was and how many of them ﬂew away already, but the worst memories remained with him. He groaned. Pulled his hair, touched something sticky he didn't want to think about for now. He needed water and mirror. And calendar. Jimmy tried to stand up, but it just didn't work. He tried again, his legs didn't seem to obey him. He laid down, staring in the dark, seeing nothing, swallowing panic, slid his palms down his hips, knees, ankles. Felt cold of his own hands. Tried to scratch the skin. At least he was able to feel the touches. 'C'mon', he whispered, 'What the hell, just fucking do it'. But he couldn't. He sat there scratching his skin to wounds, feeling pain, but unable to move. All right, if he couldn't walk, he would crawl and so he did, ﬁghting the thoughts about how pathetic it looked. He scratched his hand on something sharp on the ﬂoor which tended to be broken glass, hissed. He almost reached the bathroom when he passed out, just drowned in the darkness.

He was on stage, heavy doubleneck in his hands. Jimmy went blind from aggressive spotlights, his ears almost burst because of loud crowd’s cheering. Jimmy looked around, he saw Jonesy, Bonzo, safe and sound, drumming and roaring like a big human bear. Robert turned to him, tossed mane of his messy hair over the shoulder and shouted something. Jimmy didn't understand. Robert gracefully approached him and hissed in his ear, 'Pagey, fucking play! What the hell is wrong with you?', then he danced to other edge of the stage, leaving Jimmy confused. What was the song? He tried to ﬁnd set list, nothing. He felt tension growing when Bonzo went into the same part again, repeating, waiting for him to enter. He tried to listen to the beat, not sure if he got it right, he started to play Stairway and Bonzo’s reaction convinced him that it was correct. Jimmy grew conﬁdent, he moved, waltzing his guitar like a real lady, dragons jumping on his back, his hair swaying as black hurricane. Jimmy grinned, going into solo, tilting his head. Sweat covered his face, ran down his forehead, hands got wet and Jimmy realized he hopelessly lost the pick. His arm muscles tensed, he started picking strings with tips of his ﬁngers, but they were slippery, making him sloppy. Jimmy messed up every next note. Panic got him shaking and even more chaotic. He slowly walked around, ﬂashing worried glances to his useless tech, then he stumbled over the wires and fell down the stage right into eager hands below. He felt relief that fans caught him, but they didn't want to help, instead they were tearing his clothes apart. Jimmy tried to fight. Doubleneck was gone, someone pulled his hair, he groaned.  
  
'Stop, please stop! Leave me alone!'

No one listened. Their eyes were empty, hypnotized, their mouths opened in voiceless screams of sick delight. They took off his costume but didn't stop, nails scratched Jimmy's skin, teeth bit him. He shrank on the ﬂoor, hugged himself and prayed aloud to someone he didn’t know to stop it. They kept coming, their bodies swarmed around him, slamming his fragile bones, making him choke. He tried to breath in, but couldn't, pain in his chest made him half-blind. That was the end, he would suffocate under their weight. Lights started to fade, he lost all his senses. 

Jimmy opened his eyes, spitting out some curse. Raised trembling hands to his throat, scratched, trying to swallow the lump formed inside. Someone asked, 'James, you alright? Can you hear me?'

He glanced around to spot the plane cabin, other bandmates sleeping and Jeff’s worried face. 'Jeff?', his tongue was more like cottonwool, Jimmy grimaced to the sound of his own voice. Jeff made a sigh of relief. 

'Fuck you, man, you scared me to death'

'It’s just a dream', Jimmy mumbled, more to calm down himself than Jeff. Jeff called a hostess and passed him water bottle. Jimmy drunk until it was empty, water ran down his chin and neck, he didn't bother wiping it. Jeff's ﬁnger circled around his knee, sending feeling of comfort to his cramped stomach. Jimmy swallowed hard enough to let him hear it.

'Does it make you nervous?', Jeff whispered. 

'We're in public', Jimmy said and bit his lip. Jeff raised his hand to massage the back of his neck until his muscles relaxed. Jimmy kind of licked it, he leaned into touch and closed his eyes. 

'Don't worry'

Rough hand disappeared, Jeff looked away. Jimmy had nothing better than to do the same. Probably it was good to get distracted from each other because Jeff's new habit of playing with his clothes and hair would look too suspicious. Jimmy couldn’t understand how he ended up in this plane and these strange relationships. To be true they matched perfectly, Jimmy, calm and relying on logical calculations, and Jeff, uncontrollable and overemotional, thinking with his heart instead of using his brains, they found a nice way to collaborate, make it work out, but he considered Jeff as his mate at the ﬁrst place and only secondly as a lover. For Jeff it was vice versa. Sometimes Jimmy felt guilty, but he just couldn't force himself to feel the same way Jeff felt about him, maybe it was because they both were men, maybe they didn't get enough time or maybe it was some other reason, yet Jimmy kept feeling stupid and frustrated about it. 

Jimmy sighed. Jeff attentively studied his face, 'Wanna talk about it?'

'About my dream? Not really'

Jimmy hated every time he had to open his mouth because he just couldn't speak with words like others, when he had to produce long phrases it was clumsy and Jimmy was aware of his own inability to deliver his thought and feelings with his mouth, people always tended to misinterpret him, twist everything he said and make wrong impression about him. Jeff knew it and, to Jimmy's gratitude, he never asked explanation of their new relationships, Jeff accepted him as he was. He understood when Jimmy didn't want to push some topics, when he was down, when he needed to be cuddled or left alone. Jeff always felt him naturally. Must be side effect of growing up together or maybe he was just more sensitive than Jimmy used to view him.

The plane started to land. Jimmy closed his eyes, pleading it not to break, he flew so many times, but nothing could save him from his aerophobia. Jeff took Jimmy’s hands in his and hold him until plane stopped completely, let Jimmy cling to him as much as he needed. Jimmy hid his face behind his messy locks, examined their entwined fingers.

'Jeff', he called, 'Tell me do you believe in Zeppelin hex? What if I’m really cursed?'

'Bullshit, you’re not'

'How can you tell?'

'If you were cursed don’t you have to die? Anyway, just get it out of your head'

Jimmy couldn’t say Jeff reassured him, but having someone who believe it wasn’t your fault was good. He felt his stomach twisting and swallowed a few anti-nausea pills. It must be just nerves, but he was glad he didn’t have any dinner. First time he ate something aside of liquid food, juice and snacks he was vomiting the whole night. He didn't tell anyone about that, but he remembered how terrified he was thinking that his stomach just wouldn't accept anything anymore. Jimmy put on sunglasses, getting ready. This flight could finish him. 

The sky was so blue that it seemed unreal. He immersed his toes into wet sand, small waves splashed around his knees. Jimmy smiled, warmed up by sun, small chills ran down his spine. He slowly walked forward, clean water shined like liquid diamonds, nice and calming, lulling him. He looked back at the shore, it was distant by now, but Jimmy wasn't scared. He spread his arms and swam. The ocean took him as if he belonged there, he looked down and saw big colourful fishes, lazily floating on the bottom. He felt like one of them, peaceful, light and free, that thought made Jimmy laugh with joy. He dived, his nose burnt from salty water, tried to reach them and fishes gracefully escaped his fingers. Jimmy kept moving away from the beach, chasing the fishes, when his right leg was suddenly pierced with pain. Jimmy gasped. He turned around, moving his hands, trying to get back, the pain was unbearable. Jimmy wanted to relax his tensed muscle, but spasm didn't go away. He felt that he couldn't swim anymore, it just didn't work, Jimmy started sinking. Water filled his nose and mouth, making it impossible to breath, and Jimmy jerked up like hell to find himself in bed, suffocating. His leg was on fire. 

'What's wrong?', Jeff sat up, worry on his face.

'My muscles'

'Wow, your legs are harder than stone y'know', Jeff said and rubbed his calf until pain went away. Jimmy hissed. It wasn't the first time he woke up in the middle of the night like that, but nightmares day before the first US concert made him agitated. Could it be bad omen?

'Fine?'

Jimmy wasn't sure if his voice would sound normal now, he just went with nod. 

'Let's sleep then, it's so early'

Jeff stretched under the blanket, Jimmy made no movement. Streak of light from the bathroom fell down on lower part of his face, Jimmy stared at his lips, surrounded with light stubble. It evoked the flashbacks of this evening, how they came back from rehearsal, Jimmy disappointed and hurt, too fed up with himself, and Jeff's encouraging words, his rough kisses, so real and so good. Jimmy wasn't even sure if he fucked for pleasure of for surviving, but it was easier not to think, when Jeff surrounded him with rapture and desire, putting crown back on Jimmy's head, making him walk with his chin up, making him feel that he wasn't totally lost in drunken oblivion.

'Come here'

'I doubt I can fall asleep'

'Just close your eyes and try', Jimmy gave up, whisked under the blanket. Jeff pressed chest to his back, feeling his calm breath gave Jimmy illusion of safety. 'We have a long tiring day ahead, you shall nap'

'You remind me of my mum the day before exams at school ', Jimmy grumbled and Jeff kissed his shoulder. 

When he awaken, sun was high and blinding. Jimmy swore, cursing the new day, as he was used to in past years. He was never morning person and after his world collapsed he lost pleasure of waking up.

Jimmy hated long sound checks with all depth of his heart, but he couldn't do anything about it since there were too many people involved. Everyone fussed, making him even more nervous than he was already. Jimmy didn't like how heavy his head felt, as if his nightmares and anxiety wasn't enough. It would be fucking perfect if migraine started during his set.

'Let's get out of here for a while', Jeff said with sour face. He looked sick and tired of all these clutter as well. Jimmy grinned, thinking about how everyone would be pissed out by their disappearing, and they sneaked out, unseen. They walked around, searching for quiet place, Jeff spotted props room. The door opened easily, and Jimmy smelled dust and something reminding him odor of paints, he fancied it immediately because it reminded him of Jeff's smell when he studied in art college and painted cars. The room had only one small window from where dull light flowed inside, creating peasant semidarkness. Jimmy found himself surrounded with old costumes wrapped in plastic bags, not best place to smoke maybe, so he stuck with his whiskey instead. Jeff gazed around.

'That's cool', he pointed on the small table filled with hats and hair accessories. Jimmy twisted bonnet in his hands, touched the long feather. It looked like it belonged to Victorian era or something, he wondered who was wearing it and what for. Jeff examined box of fake pears and put it back. 'It makes me think of good old days when Chris would bring me to ateliers to find something appropriate for the dirty tramp I was'

'Gonna smoke?'

'Actually I had something else in mind, something that will set you in less pessimistic mood'

'Wow', Jimmy moved hat aside to the bunch of pins and needles, spools of threads and traces of scattered glitter powder, 'I cannot believe, are you proposing me a quickie?'

'Maybe', Jeff took a lock of his hair, twisted around forefinger and let go. Jimmy felt anger raising down his chest, coming up to his throat. He tried to swallow it down together with whiskey and speak as calm as he could. 

'What the fuck? In a building full of people and fans while I'm trying to concentrate on the bloody show. And by the way this door doesn't even have locker'

'Do you think someone will need old hats right now?'

'Jeff', Jimmy folded his hands on his chest, 'You lost your mind, jokes aside no way'

'Relax', Jeff's hands slowly massaged Jimmy's temples and slid to the neck, thumbs caressing sensitive skin around collarbones, 'Give me that'

Jimmy put the bottle down with thud. Jeff pulled him closer, palms under Jimmy's jacket, then under his shirt, lips to his ear and down, cheek touching his spray fixed curls. Jimmy shivered. 'That's why you always wear scarfs, right?'

'No marks', he tried to sound reproving, but his shaky voice was evidence to Jeff's clues about his weak spot. 

'Stop giving orders, you can command your band boys not me. I know how to please you better than you do. Sit'

Jimmy obeyed, settled himself on the table, moving scissors and other measurement instruments aside. Jeff's tongue circled his Adam apple, hands got under the belt. Jimmy couldn't help the groan his mouth let out.

'Reduce the volume, okay?'

Jimmy cursed, his fingers clung to the plastic cover that happened to be under his palms, producing rustle. Jeff's sudden passion made Jimmy think if Jeff was trying to sip all the despair from him. Unfortunately Jimmy was empoisoned deep inside and unfixable, no matter how good Jeff made him feel. He needed to bite his knuckles in order not to give them out as he was coming. Jeff softly patted his back in approval.

'You okay?'

'No, I don't think so'

Jimmy leaned to him, hiding his burning face. Jeff waited for him to recover from aftershock and helped to fix his clothes, because Jimmy felt too weak for this.

'How do I look like?'

'Like you've been pushed to the wall and fucked with no mercy', Jimmy made angry noise and tried to smooth his hair. 'C'mon, you just don't have ability to look bad, it's all fine'

'I feel like everyone knows', Jimmy complained as they stepped out, examining the way to sneak back.

'That's ridiculous'

Of course it was, yet Jimmy's paranoid brains kept him worrying. He found himself worrying a lot past years and he knew what to blame for it. He couldn't shake away sticky feeling of being glanced on and rumored, everyone around him seemed to suffocate because he stank death and looked like walking corpse, they must be disgusted with him, they just sham that he was okay and that they were okay with him. Only after he and Jeff came back Jimmy realized that he forgot whiskey bottle he needed right now. He sent irritated glance to Jeff, who was discussing something with Eric. Jimmy looked carefully from under his bangs, examined Eric, searching for any signs of addiction, but finding nothing. Lucky bastard. At least he wasn't that obvious and to be true that was one of the reasons why Jimmy worried, the least he wanted was to rise talks about the curse and his personal problems.

The gig was messy, people replaced each other on stage, images kept spinning in front of his eyes. Or was he spinning himself? Jimmy didn't know, he put all energy into concentrating on his part because he couldn't feel his fingers very well and loud sound from amps ringed in his head making him dizzy. Jeff was passing him concerned looks, Jimmy ignored. He was done, after all he was adult and he could take care of himself. He needed no pity from anybody.

He remembered someone's hand guiding him off stage, then they were drinking. He found himself in company of relaxed and always optimistic Paul Rogers, who had enough grace not to dig into Jimmy's fuck ups and just enjoy the show they put together. Jimmy didn't quite remember what discussion went about, but he was laughing a lot that evening. Whatever Paul told him, it seemed very funny boosted by couple of drinks.

'I was always thinking why don't you make something with Jeff?', Paul suddenly asked. Jimmy could answer it was because if they were locked in the same studio they would kill each other or fuck each other forgetting all their duties, but of course he didn't say that. He dropped in fear instead. Were they obvious or was it just an ordinary question? Did someone catch up the tension between him and Jeff?

'It just didn't happen somehow'

'If you did it you can name the band Double J or something like that', Paul offered with laugh, 'Gonna sound cool'

'Or Double Trouble, more likely', Jimmy joked sourly. What if he did something wrong, what if he couldn't play anymore? People would compare him with Eric and Jeff and god only knew what. He wanted to get back right now, to stay away from public. Jimmy kind of excused and stood up, swaying.

Jeff caught him in the doorway.

'Leaving already?'

'I'm tired'

He gripped on Jimmy's elbow making Jimmy frown. The world of night lights and flash was popping in his head, one big fancy firework, Jimmy closed his eyes, half-laying on the limo's back seat, but it was still there, behind his eyelids. Smells seemed to sharpen, he sensed leather, air freshener and scent of Jeff's warm sweaty skin.

In the hotel he felt urge to slam the door in front of his nose, but Jeff just didn’t let him to, holding it and slipping inside. Jimmy took off his scarf and spotted the bottle.

'Great, they seem to know exactly what you need better than you yourself', he mumbled. Jeff frowned, starring at him and playing with his jacket's zipper, sliding it up and down in sharp motions. Zipper made nasty screech, Jimmy grimaced.

'Oh, c'mon'

"Hey', Jeff grabbed his hand, but Jimmy pulled away, opening the bottle. Champagne settled down his stomach very well, making him calm down a little, giving a break to breathe fully. 'Jim, talk to me'

'About?'

Jeff leaned on the table, watched as Jimmy was getting more drunk, making Jimmy uncomfortable. 'All right, wanna hear what I think? It was one big mistake, I shouldn't agree since I obviously cannot play a shit'

'You can'

Jimmy saluted him with bottle, holding it as a defense between him and Jeff's inability to look in the eyes of sad reality. Jeff caught his hand, almost forced him to unclench his fingers. Bottle, not being hold by anyone anymore, dropped down, spilling the drink and splinters on their shoes and jeans. Jimmy rolled his eyes, but kept his lips pursed, nothing to say here. Jeff pushed him to the bathroom, turned on the switch, 'Look at your fucking self, look what have you done'

Jimmy didn't want to look at anything, but he couldn't escape his own annoyed face starring from the mirror. Even in unreliable hotel light Jeff looked tanned with his skin smooth, hair shining and healthy. Unlike Jimmy, who seemed like he was just dug up from the grave. His blind eyes with gigantic pupils scared out even Jimmy himself. It was one big fucking unfair, he didn't deserve any of this crap. Jimmy hissed, feeling a painful pinch of jealousy, and turned back. Jeff hurt him this time and he desired ugly nasty revenge.

'Oh, wait a minute, didn't you tell me before, how much you do want me? Weren't you so eager to suck me off earlier? Next time find another hole to stick your dick to, leave the poor useless bastard alone'

'Dammit', Jeff's hands twitched, rejecting him as if Jimmy was something disgusting, 'You cannot excuse all your fucked up life decisions by one accident, I'm fucking done with you'. 

Part of Jimmy wanted to back down, but his less sober part, raging without usual dope, made him open his mouth and spit out one simple word, 'Great'

Jeff groaned and rushed downstairs, Jimmy heard his heavy steps fading away. He wasn't sure what he felt, there was no place for further sorrow, so he just lighted a cigarette, but didn't make a single drug. He watched it slowly burning down, leaving ashes on his knees, too lost in thoughts to care. Jeff wanted to help him through his shittiest time, but Jimmy felt even more down, blaming himself for incapability of feelings. He wanted to get lost in Jeff's hands or riding his cock or getting a blow from him, but he could never forget. Sometimes he would close his eyes in pleasure when Jeff kissed him, and see disturbing images of his past, feel smells of blood and despair, taste dirt with his tongue, making him want to throw up to get it out. He would shiver and drink, not letting Jeff touch him anymore.

He noticed it was raining outside. Such a match to his mood, even the sky was crying because of his stupidity today. He followed the traces of raindrops on the window, driblets met together and created small rivers, blurring the image outside, just to part again later and run down. Like people who came and went. No one stayed forever and it was fucking sad even for Jimmy, who was used to be on his own. He needed to feel good again, maybe not quite good, but at least sane. Jimmy knew he had to stay away, but how on earth was it possible and how was it a crime to want to feel okay? He reached for small pocket casket, made two lines mechanically, his hands just poured some powder in common manner they remembered so well. Jimmy bent down and inhaled. Tickling in his nostrils made him want to sneeze, he hold the breath, overcame that uncomfortable feeling and let the powder settle down. 

He missed the moment when the door opened, he didn't even know it wasn't closed, and Jeff walked back, throwing his leather jacket on the ﬂoor. Jimmy raised eyes on him, and Jeff pressed his lips to Jimmy's mouth so ﬁercely it caused more suffering than pleasure. He was cold, wet and impatient. He even moaned taking off each piece of Jimmy's clothes and Jimmy moaned as well in response to his passion.

'Will you ever stop making me mad? Blowing my mind?'

'No, I suppose'

'You're so fucking insatiable', Jeff didn’t even try to make any foreplay, knowing that Jimmy liked to get straight to 'business', he pushed him, Jimmy felt the softness of the cool blanket with his back. 'It's never enough, whatever I do, whatever I give you you just suck it in like a black hole'

They kind of wrestled in there, taking off the rest of the clothes, until Jimmy bit, took over and climbed his hips. His hair was one big mess that he knew would be hard to comb, but he didn’t concentrate on it for now. Jeff hold him with one hand and pushed himself with another to sit up, they entwined in tight hug, Jimmy's knees pinched to his sides, hands around Jeff's neck, nails softly scratching his shoulders. Jimmy didn't even know he was kind of sobbing until Jeff asked, 'Are you hurt?'. Jimmy shook his head, realized that Jeff couldn't see and said, 'Not at all'. Jeff’s hands slid to his butt and Jimmy moaned again, desperately pushing himself into Jeff's body, opening for him, trying to disappear. They barely spoke while fucking, just filled the room with sloppy noises of their lovemaking. Jimmy swayed back and almost fell down, drunk, high and unstable, Jeff caught him and placed back, his hands slowly traveled up Jimmy's spine to the back of his neck, grabbed his hair, made their foreheads press against each other. Air seemed hot, Jimmy was chocking, pushing his hips and gritting his teeth, not sure anymore who was fucking whom. It encouraged him to increase the speed, and he would get off soon, if Jeff didn't stop him. 

'What?', Jimmy tried to move, Jeff hold him firmly.

'Not so fast, I didn't get enough of you'

Jimmy twitched in annoyance, 'C'mon'

'Why are you always in rush?'

Jimmy wanted to scream 'because I want you to fuck me until I forget', but he didn't. 'Are you bloody serious? Let me go then, fuck off', he was so angry and at the same time so turned on, thanks to coke, that it was uncomfortable and awkward. Jimmy tried to stand up, free himself and get away, but Jeff was pushing him down. Jimmy slapped his shoulder, his palm left red print on tan skin. Jeff took his arms, shoved him, now hanging over Jimmy, pressing him into the mattress. Jimmy protested, rolled around furiously, tried to punch his leg, but Jeff calmed him down immediately, still holding his wrists with one hand, licking his neck, placing Jimmy’s leg on his shoulder, making him arch in painful satisfaction.

'Stop rushing, stop controlling everything. Just relax'

Jimmy squinted so hard that he saw black dots when he opened his eyes, groaned and let Jeff do everything the way he wanted. Maybe he should had grant his wishes before, Jeff never argued with him, always obeyed, probably Jimmy owned him at least one time. To be honest Jimmy found this small fight and coercion very hot, the way another man took him and subdued him, he felt safe, knowing that Jeff would stop whenever Jimmy asked. Nothing like sleeping with women, they let him pull up their skirts and take, take, take, never refused, do whatever he told them to, let him manipulate them, set his own puppet show. Jeff pushed his hips slowly. Pleasure filled every cell in his body, Jimmy could feel it going up and down his tights, filling him from top of the head to toes, making them bend. He wanted to scream to release the strain, he closed his eyes, not able to stand that, and felt something running down his nose. 

'Hell, you're bleeding', he heard and Jeff reached for him to wipe his face.

'Screw it, just kiss me if you dare', Jimmy grinned, sure that Jeff would be disgusted, but Jeff hugged him and pulled closer, and blood dripped down to his lips, mixing in their mouths as they shared deep tongue kiss. It tasted salt like sea or like tears he never cried. Jeff's upper lip was covered in blood stains when they separated, Jimmy though there was something strangely arousing about it. 

Jeff took off the rings, switched them to another hand before he started to stroke him, kissing, pushing into him deep and heavily. Jimmy tilted his head, blood flowed back to his nose, leaving metallic taste, blocking his breath, but none of them cared much. 

'You sound fantastic while being fucked'

'Shut up, will ya? Just do what you're doing'

Jeff didn't argue, instead he licked his mouth and Jimmy folded lips around his tongue, sucking it, making nice noisy sound, feeling unbearable desire growing down his stomach with double strength. They were done pretty fast. Jimmy could swear he never felt so alluring and at the same time so dirty, come smeared, sweating, with saliva and blood spread over his face. Jeff looked at him like if he wasn't human being, but there was no loathing in his glance, he hold him as if Jimmy represented the most vulnerable thing in his life. Jimmy melted and put his legs around Jeff's waist, squeezing him.

'So green'

'What?', Jimmy whispered. The full ability to talk haven't return to him yet and his body felt butter-soft.

'Your eyes', Jeff took his hand and played with it, twisting his palm, checking his life lines. 'You should stop being control freak, no surprise you're going crazy. Learn to pass leadership to others sometimes, it's not that bad'

'Weren't you supposed to leave?'

'Do you want me to?'

Jimmy knew, he shouldn't rise this topic, but he couldn't keep his mouth shut. Jeff was patient with him as much as he could, having short temper, but Jimmy was just born a dick, so they couldn't completely escape these situations when Jeff would curse him and break a few things at Jimmy's home, Jimmy would hiss that Jeff's gonna pay for it, but they always ended up angrily making love on the ﬂoor. 

'I don't'

'Then stop talking nonsense'

Jeff didn't make a single movement, Jimmy was kind of trapped under him, but he could't say he didn't enjoy this, feeling calm, good and alive like never, without need to bother anything at the moment, knowing that Jeff didn't care how many girls Jimmy had fucked, how much drugs and harm he had done. He felt gentle touches of Jeff's lips on his neck and sudden thought hit him. He was still here, getting high and drunk, having fun, making love, playing, but not with the band he always wanted. And John would never have any of this again. He would never come back to smash the stage, he would never hug his kids or kiss his wife. Jimmy started to shudder, he squinted hard, pleading his body to stop betraying him, but he had no control over it. Jeff called him, Jimmy couldn't response. He covered his face, his fingers digging in and pulling hair. Jeff hold him, Jimmy pushed him away, he wanted to hide, stay alone, but he couldn't make a single step. He fell back to the bed, biting his lips, screaming into the pillow without a single sound, nails scratching his own scalp. Jeff laid down on top of him, softy begging him to stop and trying to snap up his hands, but Jimmy stuck nails into his skin, marking Jeff's wrist in blind attempt to release the pain.

'Easy, try to breathe. Can you feel my breath? Can you repeat it?', Jeff went on comforting him and little by little Jimmy started to calm down. Jeff kept rubbing his back until he was back to normal. Jimmy let go of his wrists, but the damage was done and Jeff had ugly graze that made Jimmy feel blame. He got up to examine it and his nose started to bleed again after too much movements and stress, Jimmy pinched it, blood dropped on the sheets.

'Fuck'

'I'll get you something, stay here', Jeff searched for his jeans on the floor, his words made Jimmy giggle stupidly. As if Jimmy could stand up and jump around like a goat. His sniggering made the blood splash around and Jimmy couldn't help rolling in bed, making hysterical choking noises. There was nothing funny and he knew it looked sick, his nerves weren't okay, yet he couldn't do anything about it. Jeff came back with two towels soaked in cold water, pressed one to his nose bridge, another one went to clean his face. Jimmy noticed that Jeff washed gore away already. He sighed. It was all fucked up, starting from one of the worst shows he gave in his life and ending with disaster the bed turned into. He wouldn't be surprised if after this new rumors about him raping and dismembering innocent girls would appear, people liked to exaggerate, they would make few drops of blood the whole bloody bathroom. This could have been good with Jeff giving him lots of pleasure and support, but Jimmy just wouldn't act normal, Jimmy doubted Jeff could ever think lower about him than now.

'I'm sorry'

'Nothing to be sorry about'

Jimmy wasn't good at expressing his feelings, he wanted do pull away to escape the awkwardness of the moment, but Jeff knew that he needed to be held and patted on his back and whispered something pointlessly supportive. Jimmy found himself even more broken than before.

'I hope you weren't grieving about quality of our latest coitus', Jeff said. His usual dry humor made Jimmy smile.

'It was an awful joke and don't call it like this, it's disgusting'

'How about we sleep in my room tonight?'

Jimmy was so done after emotional roller coaster, he groaned thinking about standing up and going somewhere and first of all he needed shower, but he was a mess. 'I'm not sure, I need to be alone for a while. Maybe I'll join you later'

Jeff kissed his forehead, 'Just no foolish things, no flying TVs, please. I'm serous I expect you to remain safe and sound after I leave'

'The worst had happened already, Jeff, don't worry bout me' 

He thought he wouldn’t survive this tour even it was short. He forgot the feeling of being in the spotlight and his nervous system haywire didn't help. Most of all he hated long hours of waiting with others, he was stifled under amount of different vibes they gave him. They tried to pretend they didn't know, but failed, kept glancing at him with worry, jealousy or curiosity. Of course they would be curious when a walking legend of dead Zeppelin monster got on stage and crowd went wild. Jimmy knew all these boys wanted to be him and their girls, sleeping with them tonight, would scream his name and have his image in their minds. It was always like this, but he felt a little dazed every time he walked out and got knocked down with amount of sexual tension, admiration and desire. No wonder his off stage relationships suffered. He knew Jeff for too long and Paul clearly didn't care anything, but the things they worked up together, on the other hand Eric grew cold, he seemed regretting the idea of bringing Jimmy into this and must be kind of sour, clearly destroyed by amount of praise Jimmy got. He might think it was easy, however Jimmy payed for every moment of his fame and price was high. Eric wouldn't get it and Jimmy wasn't going to share. Some of them were clearly pissed with his troublesomeness as Bill. He tried not to care as always, he wasn't here to flatter anyone, Jimmy said he would play a set and he did. No one could force him to fast, after all Jimmy didn't command them what to do and if anybody was upset with his lack of sobriety they could kiss his ass. He just needed a calm place where he could feed his demons. When Jimmy came back he caught sign of irritation on Eric's face. For fuck's sake, the man who played smacked and drunk and had to do it lying down was unsatisfied with Jimmy. Jimmy found it amazingly hypocrite. That was why he preferred to stay away from other people. 

He walked pass Eric who was tuning his guitar again and again the whole evening, stumbled and cursed. Someone sighed behind, Jimmy tried not to overthink it was meant for him. He hid in the shadows, at the spot where no one could see him, but he could see the stage. He didn't have much chance to enjoy Jeff doing show. Jimmy felt amazed and a little proud watching him. Jimmy himself wasn't a jealous person, so he simply enjoyed other bringing the house down and that was what Jeff did exactly. He threw his skillful riffs to the crowd like a piece of juicy steak and they bit into it, they would take whatever he had to offer. Jimmy grinned, thinking how this cool and hot man, desirable for thousands, only wanted him. There was something good about it. He felt waves of electric heat running through his body. He felt rapture and lust. When Jeff got off stage, a little perspired, Jimmy patted his back and Jeff's face told him that he knew. Jimmy didn't even try to hide. Jeff grabbed his shoulder with glare.

'Jim', he hissed, 'Your nose'

Jimmy grimaced and carefully rub it with thumb, there was some powder left on the tip. Jimmy didn't care. He needed to be secured. He walked easily, bathing in crowd's delight. Something was out of place in his broken body before, now everything was rectified and perfect and Jimmy wasn't scared or hurt anymore. Jimmy was having fun.

Jimmy wasn't sure what exactly made him so turned on. He got the dope, but the show must have played a role, he really felt better doing what he did all his life. He gave ecstasy to all these people and they consumed it and returned it to him in increased amount which provoked his greed. Jimmy required more. And he knew where to get it from.

Jeff was tipsy, finally he loosed grip about his self-restraint. He felt a lot more relaxed than he would be usually surrounded by blokes he didn't know so well, and Jimmy was tired of escort he had to bring around with him every time he wanted to go somewhere. Tonight he had different plans, he was determined to get to the hotel and have a great time together with Jeff whatever Jeff thought about it. He didn't need to plead, he only had to give him a hint and Jeff followed him to backseat of the limo, smirking. Jimmy folded one leg over another, fidgeted, unable to wait, and pressed his lips to Jeff's ear, whispering about what he wanted to do when they arrive. Jeff made almost painful face expression.

'There is whole long way back, easy please', and despite his own words he placed hand on Jimmy's knee. Jimmy didn't think about it, his legs naturally parted a little, just enough to let Jeff's fingers explore his inner thighs. Jimmy almost moaned. He wanted to get laid so badly, he didn't feel like this for ages, he used to be rather patient about it, but not now. Jeff noticed it and forced a thumb into his mouth, which Jimmy accepted without complaints even they did it in the car. He felt hot and willing and Jeff's reaction made him slowly burn from the inside because finally they shared comletely the same vibes. 

He drugged Jeff into the room, slamming the door behind, attacking him, pressing kisses everywhere he could reach. Jeff tried to slow him down, Jimmy pulled up his t-shirt. 

'And don't tell me to wait', he whispered, biting his neck and slipping down his chest. Jeff drugged him up and turned him around, propelled to the bed, stepped on Jimmy's shoes' heels causing both of them to fall down. Jimmy crushed his knees and it made him chuckle. He leaned on the edge of the bed to stand up, Jeff grabbed him from behind. 'Are we couple of horny teens?', he tried to get on the bed again, crawl there, but Jeff snatched his jeans.

'I don't give a shit, do you? Why the fuck do you have to wear such tight pants?', Jeff wheezed, pulling it down. Jimmy glanced from above the shoulder and got a sloppy kiss. 'I'll make you feel good, trust me', Jeff promised, sensing Jimmy's discomfort about lack of control in such position. Jimmy closed his eyes and concentrated on other things, he could feel rough of Jeff's jeans when he rubbed his crotch against Jimmy's butt, unsteady breath into his nape, his hands were impatiently pulling button on Jimmy's shirt, Jimmy protested. He wanted no waiting, no delay. 

'Do me now'

When he thrust inside, it was like electric shock, Jeff's palms under the clothes felt fire-hot, leaving invisible scorches on his skin. Jimmy swallowed his own cry, arched in his arms, leaned back of his head on Jeff's shoulder. Jeff kissed and licked his ear, producing wet sucking sounds that Jimmy liked a lot. 

'You're so fine, no, you're the best, really'

Jimmy moaned, reached for Jeff's lips, bit. He wanted to melt in this tight embrace, he wanted to come to finish this torture and he didn't want it to end at the same time. It was fast, dirty and wild. Clasp of Jeff's belt kept sapping his thighs, Jimmy didn't care. He collapsed on the bed, hands scratching through the sheets, searching for something to cling to until he found Jeff's wrist. Jimmy sobbed and gasped, and then Jeff gently took his hair in the fist to kiss back of his neck and told him to come and this was the end. Nobody treated him the way Jeff did. Jimmy thought he would go mad, he came, curved so much his shoulder blades almost touched, Jeff's name accidentally slipped out of his tongue. For one moment there was epmtiness filled with nothing, but delight, he forgot his name, he forgot his sorrows just to get back on earth again later. He hid in the slope of his arm as Jeff kept pushing deep into him till he was done with hoarse, 'Holy fuck'. He laid on Jimmy's back, pinning him down to the bed, breathing heavy and hardly. Jimmy felt numb, except of his now aching knees. 

He tweaked Jeff's palm and said, 'Get up. What a bastard', he added as Jeff obeyed and semen dripped down his hips, 'Didn't I tell you to take it out?'

'Christ, you just got fucked, stop bitching about it', Jeff begged. Jimmy pulled up his jeans and headed to the bathroom. He knew he was unfair but couldn't help feeling bitter because Jeff didn't make him escape his own chagrin. Well, he did, yet it wasn't long enough and Jimmy needed to deal with himself and his disappointments. 'Wait, I'm gong with you'

'No way, it's too small!'

No matter how fans worshiped him, he needed to be stoned to get courage for performing. Everyone ignored his presence after the gigs, trying not to mess with him unless needed, Jimmy felt invisible there. In the light and shade at the same time. He needed to cling to Jeff so badly to feel sane. Jeff was the only bridge between him and normal existence, while Jimmy spent many years in golden cage, surrounded with managers, drivers, housekeepers, bodyguards, journalists and other entourage providing him all kind of comfort he could want, going crazy about how to satisfy his needs. Jimmy couldn't remember when he did ordinary things as using metro or washing the dishes last time, he was studio wizard, but useless in everyday life, he didn't even get driving license. Jeff had his feet on the ground on that score.

He was there as long as Jimmy remembered himself, he couldn't imagine his life and teen years without Jeff. They bonded immediately like if they knew each other forever, Jeff spent plenty of time in Pages' house, hiding from his parent's disappointment with his choice of career path. Jimmy from his side of this story liked Jeff's home and his mother who always praised Jimmy for being polite nice boy, which Jimmy found amusing. Of course Jeff had another vision of him, but his mother didn't know what was really going on in Jimmy's head. For good. If she knew what was about to happen she would never let him cross the doorstep.

Jimmy's first romantic interest was Jeff's sister, it just had to happen. Jimmy wasn't very sociable, not surprise that he didn't get much favor from girls and to be true he was too busy getting rare records and mastering his guitar skills. Annetta was older, already spent years in art college, listened to rare jazzy stuff and looked absolutely cool and independent. It was her idea to introduce them to each other. Jimmy didn't loose sleep, but every time he visited Beck's house and saw her there he would get more shy than usual. He never shared what happened with anyone, but it lived with him always, deep inside, locked in the farther part of his mind. 

It was hot outside, small houses barely provided shelter and Jimmy rushed, hoping to find some coolness in Jeff's room, but Jeff wasn't home as weren’t his parents. Annetta opened the door, told him to wait and offered some ice tea. Jimmy sat in the dining room, nervously playing with his grown hair, while she vigorously chopped some ice. She had her hair up and Jimmy could watch her long elegant neck, usually hidden under loose locks. Golden clasp of her necklace shined in the sun and Jimmy wasn't able to take his eyes of her. Annetta passed him cold glass and Jimmy thanked her, but didn't touch the drink because he was so nervous he thought he would choke on his tea. She leaned on the table, tapped nails on the wood.

'How are you doing?'

'Like usual I suppose?', he swallowed hardly. Annetta smiled and sipped some tea, drops of water from the glass run down her hands. In her free time she played tennis with her college friends, her long legs tanned nicely and showed good balance of muscles and flesh. Jimmy couldn’t help but stare. It must be the colour of her skirt that dragged his attention, at least that was what he told himself. She noticed. Her face became serious.

'So, are you seeing someone?'

'Like what?', Jimmy didn’t like that conversation, it made him feel nervous and uncomfortable, but he didn't want to stop ether.

'You have a girlfriend?'

'Not really'

He missed the moment she moved closer. Her feet slipped out her summer shoes, Annetta sat on the table and swayed her legs, toes touched the edge of his jeans. 

'Have you ever kissed a girl?'

He didn’t answer, too embarrassed to admit that he didn’t, if once kissing his classmate in cheek wouldn't count. They were kids, he helped her to carry her heavy bag full of new books, she bought from the next door shop, and in gratitude she let him kiss her. They met a few times more, but later she moved to different school and it was over. Annetta smiled again, leaned to him and pressed a small kiss on Jimmy's lips. It was almost dreamy, cool and tasted like sweet tea. She took his hand and led him upstairs. Jimmy panicked, but she assured him that no one was going to come and they had time. He never told anybody, but her strong legs and line of white untanned skin on the shoulder, usually covered with strap of summer dress, would never be erased from his memory . Annetta untied her hair. Jimmy wanted to play with it, but he didn't dare to touch her shiny locks.

'So, do you want to date me?', she asked and he fell silent. He had no idea if he wanted to, he liked Anneta a lot, yet dating girl four years older than you and furthermore your best friend's sister was scary. He tried to form any answer in his head when the doorbell rang. Jimmy jumped up. No fucking way. He rushed to collect his clothes from the floor, he almost dealt with his jeans, when Annetta entwined her arms around him. Her voice sounded strange.

'Stay with me'

'Wait, it's not the right time for this, it's your brother!', he yanked the fly so hard it almost broke, she tighten her grip, 'Oh, come on', he hissed crossly. She stood up, still completely naked, and forced him to turn around. There was something odd. It wasn't Annetta's face anymore, but he sure knew these freckles around her nose and baggy eyes seemed familiar.

'It's me, Scarlet, daddy. Touch me', she said and took his palm to place it on her chest. The doorbell was tearing itself up downstairs.

Jimmy bent over the edge of the bed, throwing up all the booze he had during the evening until his stomach could only produce brownish smelly bile, drooling from the corner of his mouth. He moaned. The bell almost made his eardrums burst. Jimmy cursed, he dropped down, rushing to pick up. Only closest people knew where he would stay, so the call must be important.

'Hello?', he asked in husky painful voice. Someone sighed.

'Jimmy, are you all right?', Charlotte said. In past months is was the most frequently asked question, Jimmy wanted to laugh. Of course he wasn't even near to all right, but he didn't complain. He ran his fingers through his hair and said, 'I just woke up'

'Sorry, Scarlet wanted to speak to you. I told her to wait till the morning, but you know your daughter'

Thinking of Scarlet made Jimmy's stomach sick again. He swallowed sticky saliva and forced the reply, 'No, no, just give her the phone'

'Are you doing okay there?'

'No problem'

Charlotte saw him, she wasn't likely to believe in it. She said nothing and after a quick moment Jimmy heard Scarlet's high cheerful voice, 'Daddy?'

'Hi, sweetheart', if there was anybody who still believed in him it was his daughter and he couldn't let her down, for Scarlet he was always a hero, her beloved daddy and it should remain this way no matter what happened in his shitty life.

'We found Cinnamon, he came home this morning', she said happily.

'Really? Is everything okay?'

'Yes, but mum doesn't let me play with him, she said he should get flea treatment and medical check up first, we've got appointment for tomorrow'

'That's good, honey, how are you doing? How's your school?'

She paused and carefully said, 'Okay, I suppose... I've got bad mark at math, I don't really like it'

'Doesn't matter, you'll get better eventually, don't even worry about it. And I miss you', Jimmy didn't lie. He closed his eyes and saw his home, Charlotte, always quiet and kind, with cats on her knees and Scarlet playing piano or reading book in the garden. He could almost feel the smell of her strawberry baby shampoo and see scratches on her knees when she felt down, roller skating. He wanted to be there so much, but it was still a week and then more problems to deal with. They hadn't talk to Scarlet yet about their decision to part and Jimmy had no idea how to make her understand, he was hoping that Charlotte could find a way to explain it.

'I miss you too a lot', Scarlet declared. She spoke a little more about the cats, about new nocturne she was dealing with and about how she wanted to decorate house for Christmas, but Charlotte told her it was too early. Jimmy didn't want to hang up, but he wasn't good at talking, he preferred to listen and after Scarlet ran out of news he didn't have anything to say either. She wished him good night, but Jimmy knew he wouldn't sleep anymore. He opened the window, because least of all he wanted to smell his own vomit, and reached for the bottle, hidden behind bedside table.

The young waitress licked her mouth covered with flashy red lipstick and stared at them, waiting for the order. Her pornographically big puffy lips were screaming, 'fuck me, I'm giving good head' and Jimmy hoped she was good at waiting the tables too. Cole grinned as the girl scratched something in her notepad and left, swinging hips a little more than it was necessary. 

'You see that? What a bird'

'Yeah'

Jimmy wasn't interested. He got plenty of them every night doing everything for him, sometimes he got two or three together. They always found him attractive, but he had no illusions about it, if no band they wouldn't stick to him like this and ignore how bad he treated them. He was fucking too much, he was worn off already, stuffed with all of that. Holes changed every day, faces changed every hour, but very recently there was someone special who ended up in his bed more than twice. Cole kept blabbering about girl's curves, receiving no reaction from Jimmy he studied his face with attention, said, 'Long time no see, you look tired. Shitty year?'

'It's gonna over soon', and become shitty new year. The last part of it he kept to himself. They sat silently before waitress returned. He started with cocktails, while they chatted about nothing in particular. At least Cole didn't look at him with pity, didn't try to bury the past, he remembered a few funny episodes of their touring and Jimmy laughed, laughter came out of him easily as if there weren't all these years of emptiness. Jimmy was sucking cube of ice, his tongue half numb and teeth aching from cold, when Coke suddenly put arm on his shoulder and announced, 'Bonzo was a nice bloke indeed, such a fucking loss'

Jimmy sobered up immediately. He sat straight, swallowed the ice before replying, 'He was'. It wasn't true, sometimes John crossed the line, sometimes he was nuts, but it didn't mean that Jimmy didn't miss him. Cole seemed to sense his mood, because he squeezed Jimmy stronger, or maybe he was just too drunk.

'And he would be so fucking pissed if he saw us mourning like pussies. Let's drink for Bonz, have fun'

It wasn't a surprise he got so wasted. Not his best decision, but Jimmy wanted to feel like a human again, not like everyone's attraction, showpiece in museum of dinosaur rock'n'roll or walking legend, with whom no one wanted to talk for one reason or another. Climbing upstairs was a big problem, but he managed to find a room he needed the most now. He kept on knocking impatiently until the door suddenly opened, making him fall down in Jeff's hands.

'Oh, how sweet to see you in this hour', Jeff placed him to the wall and closed the lock. Jimmy gave him drunk charming, at least he thought it was charming, smile, tried to catch him.

'C'mon, hold me like this, I like it', he whined. Jeff returned to bed, leaving Jimmy alone in the middle of the room, too big to cross when you're wasted beyond being wasted, but he succeed, staggering, falling on the bed alongside Jeff and laughing about his own clumsiness. Jeff's face clearly told him that Jeff didn't find it as amusing as Jimmy did, he rolled over his back and wried at Jimmy.

'I wanna fuck', Jimmy said.

'Congratulations'

'Jeff', Jimmy pulled his pant's elastic band and crawled upper, laying on Jeff's stomach, biting and licking him. Jeff pushed his head away.

'Look at yourself, you're drunk wreck, cannot even walk. Seriously get some sleep'

'One day I'll fuck you', Jimmy promised. Jeff pressed him down, placing his palm on the back of his neck, holding him in that position. Jimmy produced drunk whimpers of disagreement.

'Sleep or I'll kick you out'

'Yes, do it. I'm bad, you shouldn't be in my company, stay away, I'm terrible person'

'You aren't, you're just drunk and miserable', Jimmy wanted to argue, Jeff cut him off, 'Now shut up and take off your shoes if you wanna stay here. And stop your drunk rubbish'

It took him a while to kick off his boots, Jeff patiently waited before Jimmy calmed down and put arms around him. Jimmy watched his tired face, 'Are you gonna leave me too like John?', Jeff didn't response and Jimmy almost begged, 'Jeff? Talk to me'

'Hush'

Jimmy wanted to cry, instead he hid his face in cut of Jeff's t-shirt. Familiar smell of soap and clothes made him sooth. 

They were entwined so tight, no wonder that Jimmy had nightmares. He got used to all kind of disturbing dreams, but it felt so vivid, more real than his life. He was in the shower, washing hair, rinsing shampoo off, eyes closed, then he felt that water stopped going down, it was up to his ankles. Jimmy looked down to check what's wrong and saw something long, black. He bent, water from the shower head dropping on his back, Jimmy picked up strand of his own hair. Thick locks clogged the drain. There were too many, it wasn't normal at all, Jimmy reached to his scalp, touched it carefully. Hair stuck in his fingers. Jimmy sobbed, looking at it like if it couldn't belong to him because it couldn't be true, no way, it couldn't happen. But it was there. Jimmy's hands started to shake and shook more and more as he felt something slipping down his back, falling into the soapy water. Hair lock in is fingers twitched, black snake lifted it's head. He wanted to throw it away, but snake was faster, hissed and bit his hand, pain spread from his finger to wrist and upper, muscles frozen and Jimmy couldn't feel his arm anymore. His digits slackened, but the snake crawled up his numb arm to his face, too fast to be stopped.

Jimmy twitched. Pain didn't disappear and for a moment he though everything was real, but then he saw that his hand hurt because he fell asleep in uncomfortable position. He carefully removed his arm from under Jeff's waist, got up, unstable, and felt sickness in his stomach. He went to the bathroom, stuck two fingers down his throat and puke. This coasted him so much energy he had to sit on the floor for a while before he could get up to brush teeth and wash his face, wet from cold sweat. Jimmy tried to avoid the mirror, but his eyes just caught his own image, frail and exhausted, red scared eyes, wavy messy hair, sticking to his cheeks. Jimmy mumbled, 'Screw you, fucker' to his reflection and left. 

Luckily Jeff didn't wake up. Jimmy opened the window, relieved from fresh air, took off his old clothes, wiped himself with towel and dug through Jeff's suitcase, assuming that he wouldn't mind after everything they had, suit himself in Jeff's clean pants and t-shirt, combed his hair in slow sleepy motions. Now it should look better even if he didn't feel better. Jimmy wished he could fix everything else so easily, his stomach was aching, his neck and shoulders hurt after short nap or probably too fragile to carry his big heavy doubleneck. He slid under the blanket, already knowing that he wouldn't fall asleep again. Jimmy laid on a distance from Jeff, studied him. He would never imagine they ended up like this, but Jimmy was glad they sorted it out. He wasn't deeply in love or something like that, yet Jeff made him feel good and secured. Jimmy knew he could afford taking off the masks he made up and being fragile in front of Jeff and he valued it, especially now.

He stayed in bed until he felt he could walk to his room without fainting on the way. He slipped in the hall, stopped to take a smoke and spotted a small silhouette on the windowsill. 

'Morning', he said with a grin, 'I wonder what are you doing here, young lady'

The girl looked at him sleepily, she blinked slowly and rubbed her eyes before she replied, 'It's a secret'

'Care for a smoke?'

'Sure'

Her delicate face features and short blond hair seemed familiar. The girl squeezed cigarette between her teeth, Jimmy spotted that one of her tooth was half broken, but it didn't make her less good looking, nor her slightly dirty jeans at least two size bigger than her did. Dark elongated eyes studied him attentively and girl gave him a shameless smirk and he knew what she was up to. And she knew that they both understood it. He didn't mind, after all he didn't flatter young girls every day anymore, at least not that much.

'Wanna place to sleep over?'

'Just sleep over?'

'You were smart enough to sneak in here, smartness should be rewarded'

'Than can I use a shower too?'

He nodded and let her in. She was carrying wide jacket, obviously bought from male counter, and a bag with all her belongings. She looked like typical runaway, but way more neat and pretty, there was something charming about her. While he was lighting candles she took off clothes not carrying much about his presence and stepped in the bathroom. Jimmy examined her crop top, pattern was dull from too many washes, it smelled streets, youth and hunger. She came out wearing only towel wrapped around her small body, knelled in front of her bag. 'Care for some weed?'

'Not really, what's your name? Or shall I address you as hey there?'

'May, but I'm born in winter'

'How old are you?'

'Let's say I'm old enough', she murmured with a joint hanging from the corner of her mouth.

'Accepted'

May searched for an ashtray and sat on the bed opposite him. They sat in silence, studying each other and Jimmy finally recognized her, they met in the bar last week, she was there among other fans. May folded puffy lips and exhaled fume that reached his face, she seemed experienced in weed smoking, but not in sleeping with someone, her hands nervously scratched joint paper, she seemed like she didn't know what to do next trying to buy some time.

'They said you're demon in the flesh'

'What do you think?'

'Dunno'

Jimmy bent to her, picked up chainlet with half heart hanging down.  
  
'Best', he read, 'What's best?'

'My part of best friends necklace'

'So there is another part?'

Her face became sad, lips pouted and shivered. 'She's gone. She made it herself for me'

May turned away, angrily wiped her face with fist and gave him challenging look, which was funny because he obviously wasn't fighting a teen girl in any way. She made one long drug on her joint, almost burning it to the end, folded her legs. No wonder it happened, living on the streets was never safe. Diseases, overdose, accidents, rapes, runaways were victims of bad luck, the same could be said about Jimmy.  
  
'Come here, don't be afraid'

No matter what anyone was talking, Jimmy had no intention of hurting her. Must be aging or he just had enough experiments, but he felt good to stuck to ordinary boring sex. She tasted bubblegum and menthol cigarettes. May suddenly lost all her cheek and acted coy, she squinted and grimaced in pain under his body. A virgin, he could bet. He didn't have cherry pie for a long time, but he didn't mind at all, he liked cherries. Jimmy raised her chin and said, 'Look at me'

May blushed, but did what she was told. The special thing about virgins he liked was faces they made while being fucked. Everything they did was natural, they didn't know how to fake or seduce, they were so humble like no one else, emotional, raw, inexperienced, obedient. And sometimes they cried, making him feel fully in control of them and Jimmy liked to own things.

'Ouch', she said when he pushed inside of her and he had to try hard not to take her roughly. 'Ouch'

'Good girl', Jimmy praised, petting her head. She pouted, puffed out her lower lip in childish manner and grabbed his shoulder. He took her hands, hold them behind her head and May shrieked. 

'Please, don't'

'Does this scare you?'

'Yes'

Jimmy let go of her wrists and she clung to him and it was kind of lovely along with her surprised face expression. Of course he noticed fading scars, Jimmy saw similar stuff before, he had no idea why, but it was mostly a women thing, when hurt they hid their anger inside. As for men, they drunk, got high, broke hotel rooms and violate these women with big sad eyes. Circle of destruction that never ended. May seemed to be one of these troubled girls unaware how to cope with all shit life gave them and Jimmy couldn't judge, drinking himself to death for years, trying to blunt the pain with coke and brutal sex. She was so terribly skinny under her baggy clothes, he fed her before she left and May ate double portion of scrambled eggs with bacon, showing crazy appetite for such a small thing, and her face expressed utter happiness. Crazy how such simple things as sex, shower and food could make someone sparkle, Jimmy didn't make a difference if he ate cheap burgers or expensive seafood, these stuff just couldn't overjoy him.   
  
'I hope I won't see you again. You should quit this shit, chasing bands, sleeping on the streets, hitchhiking. It's getting dangerous, good old flower power time is over'

'I have nowhere to go', she said so easily as if it didn't hurt. Jimmy didn't think about it.

'At least next time don't cut yourself. Cut people who did it to you'

She twitched and nervously hid her hands. Useless because he had already seen her fully naked.

'You're the only one who noticed'

Practice. Jackie. He didn't know these things by that time, he was still too young, too naive and he couldn't keep her away from this, about what he regretted, but now he got some experience of self-destructing behavior. If he looked at it this way May reminded him Jackie if they met when she was younger. And Jeff maybe, a little bit. He was attracted to stubborn people who firmly stood on the ground and wasn't intimidated by his reputation. They must sent him some special vibes and he caught it always, on non communicative level. May collected her things.

'What they talk is a load of bullshit, you're not a monster at all. I wish all monsters would treat me like this'

'You have no idea, girl. Take care'

She smiled and waved her hand, placing new cigarette between her lips. Fearless and independent, she disappeared as soon as she walked out the door. Jimmy wondered how would she turn out in years, probably she would marry some nice guy like Jackie, have kids and forget all the nightmares forced her to leave home and struggle between random car rides and sex with someone who was as lost as her and the age of her parents. After shower Jimmy found a tiny bracelet with bird that looked so shabby as if it sat there twice longer than Jimmy lived himself. He didn't threw it away, put bracelet inside his suitcase. Jimmy didn't know why, because May flew away like a bird herself, they wouldn't luckily meet again, but he just didn't want to discard it.

Jimmy walked in in almost slow motion, exhausted and nervous before the gig. He could feel his arm's hair stood up from amount of tension growing after his arrival, but after almost two weeks he got used to feeling out of place. That was why he preferred to stay home, voluntarily locked up. He headed to the corner where his guitars were waiting for him along with Jeff and Eric, busy with their lazy debate, but instead of sound check he took amp cord that Jeff squeezed between his teeth, knelt and plug it into guitar's jack. Jeff looked at him with annoyance. 

'Let's get some smoke', Jimmy said neutrally.

'I don't need it"

'But I do'

Eric's face wore that expression between 'Oh, god, I don't wanna be here', 'What went so wrong in my life that I ended up with you two' and 'Can you kindly fistfight somewhere else, thanks'. He gave them uneasy forced smile and said, 'We can finish it later, one small break won't kill anyone'

Jeff clicked his tongue. They got outside, Jeff lighted a fire, closing it with his palms, protecting from wind just as Jeff tried to protect him. Jimmy smiled and slightly stepped on the noses of his boots, left then right, taking turns. 

'What the hell?'

'Jeff, they are older than both of us and ugly as hell. I'll buy you new one for your birthday'

'My birthday is in half a year'

'Than I'll just buy it for no reason', Jimmy finally stepped on them with both of his legs and tried to balance, Jeff caught him and placed him back. 

'Are you trying to flatter me or what?'

Jimmy made a face because he didn't know himself, and Jeff pressed tip of Jimmy's nose with thumb, 'Hands'

'I couldn't resist', Jeff pressed it again, 'Your awful flirting is just adorable and by the way your nose looks like small button'

'Hey, take your words back, my face is not a button, ouch'

He didn't notice how cigarette burned down. Jimmy threw it away and blew on his fingers, examined the damage. Jeff took his hand and caressed it this special way which made Jimmy feel that he was something extremely fragile. It sent a feeling of warmth to his stomach, Jimmy wished he could extend it, but they were in sort of public place and they had to go back to rehearsal, so he jumped to the topic he wanted to discuss.

'Are we good?'

'You pissed me out last night, you always do, but we're good. Are you nervous?'

Jimmy nodded. 

'Jim, Jimmy', he wanted to squint because his own name sounded so soft pronounced by Jeff, like a knife going into defrosted butter. Jeff offered him his cigarette, 'I always felt a little jealous. You keep sparkling even in your worst days, you're loved by your family and worshiped by all these people, they all went psycho seeing you. I could never achieve it, no one can'

'I never thought about it like this', Jimmy admitted. He truly didn't and now he felt ashamed, complaining to Jeff about the mess he turned his life into himself. He felt stupid.

'Sometimes you're blinded by useless search of perfection, sabotaging yourself. Do what you have to, I'll get your back', Jimmy let himself blench and just listen to Jeff's soothing voice, 'I miss good old Jim'

'You cannot imagine how much I miss him'

Once Jimmy was fortune told. It was the time when he still was touring with The Crusaders, and Jimmy didn't feel well after the gig. He didn't want any fun, so he went back to the motel on his own, but got lost between unfamiliar streets. He was walking around half an hour before realizing that he was circling the same area again and again and hopelessly lost. Jimmy frozen in the middle of the road and tried to think which turn was wrong, yet it all looked the same and beginning fever didn't let him properly concentrate. He saw an old lady in the corner, she looked like homeless, but didn't seem drunk or something, and Jimmy decided it was his last hope. 

'Excuse me? Um, I think I'm lost', he murmured, feeling idiotic and shy.

Woman raised her head, their eyes met. Gypsy. Jimmy swallowed hardly, there was something in her face that made him confused, he wanted to get away, but her dark eyes paralyzed him. He immediately remembered all the tales he heard about gypsies, how they would make you hypnotized and steal everything you have. He was simply scared, still too young, alone and disorientated in unknown city.

'Give me your hand, boy', the old lady ordered with creaky voice like an old door on the draft. He obeyed even he didn't want to, he was too scared to protest. Her hands were dry, nails long, yellowish with some dirt stuck under, but warm, which felt good. She examined Jimmy's palms, sliding her thumbs over his life lines. 

'Such a sparkling aura', she chuckled, 'You've got a big future, my dear. Many people will love you, but you won't love them back, you'll inspire them. You career will be very successful, still short, you'll loose something important to you, make a huge mistake and ruin everything you made. Poor thing'

Jimmy twitched away, his face must be terrified, because old gypsy let out a dry laugh. 

'Turn to the right and than twice to the left and you'll find your motel, child'

'T-thanks', Jimmy murmured and rushed to get out of that dark inhabitant street. He never looked back, he took a path she told him to and soon found himself in front of the place he was searching for. Jimmy didn't really believe in fortune telling or palm reading, but conversation left unpleasant aftertaste, that night he slept badly, but soon after he got so busy in the studio that incident was completely forgotten. However the prophesy turned out to be true, making Jimmy sick and angry. He reached for his small casket, hidden in the depth of his suit's pocket. He promised to call it a day, but how could he. And how the hell anybody dared to blame him when his life turned into heavy burden full of nightmares, fears and anguish. It was unmerited and most of all Jimmy hated the voices following him everywhere, whispering, gossiping. He knew he didn't have much time and public loo wasn't the best place, he rolled up the sleeve and carefully spread some powder on his forearm, crooked lines, crooked like his own life. He snorted them. Licked off the leftovers. Jimmy expected this feeling of numbness, slowly spreading in his throat, he didn't care. He got through it before, he would play now even he had to suffocate in his own saliva and other's aversion. Jimmy approached the mirror, pressed his burning forehead against cool glass. He felt his heartbeat fasten, he lost in his own eyes, desperate and glassy. The mirror fogged up from his hard breath. 

'You have no idea how I fucking hate you', Jimmy told to himself. His reflection replied with ugly smirk, blood dropped from nostrils. Jimmy collected it with his tongue, but there was too much. He opened the tub, pinched his nose and waited, splashed water on his face, making his suit wet. Jimmy cursed. He wondered what he was going to do, even now it was so obvious, everyone could read the signs of addiction on his face. Last time he did check up was just before he left to US and it was unpromising. Jimmy wide opened his mouth to examine hard palate, for now it was just a tiny hole, but later it would be a big problem according to his doctor. He knew he should quit before he had no nose or mouth or something worse that this, but it was easy to say and uneasy to do. Frequent nosebleeds and fucked up teeth worried him a lot too. Jimmy stood there, unable to recognize himself, and though when his life became this. No answer came.

The door opened suddenly, Jimmy recoiled from the mirror. Paul had that face expression like if he was expecting to find Jimmy's corpse and was happy that it didn't happen.

'It's time to go. Are you okay?'

Jimmy almost broke into laugh. He pulled himself, giving Paul soothing smile, even his insides twisted. 'Better than anybody'

Smoke burnt his mouth, made it dry. Jimmy didn't care. He was going to do the gig at any cost, they could talk behind his back that Jimmy Page is goner, Jimmy was going to disappoint them as usual. They talked because they envied him, they would give anything to be him just for one night, to have what he had with Zeppelin, to feel like god. Cunts could waste their time, writing these 'Clapton is god' lines on the dirty walls, everyone knew it wasn't true. Everyone knew they came for Jimmy. Jeff looked worried and angry, Jimmy smirked at him with corner of his mouth and left, disappeared in floodlights' glow.

And there they were fighting again. Jeff flounced around the room, repeating, 'I don't get, I just don't fucking get what's your problem'

Jimmy watched him indifferently from the bed. He was too high to bother and tired of moral instructions, like if everyone else was better than him, like if these prudes didn't bang teenage girls, drink and mess with drugs. Even saints fucked in heaven, why Jimmy wouldn't?

'Why do you worry?', he asked, 'Why don't you leave me alone if it's so hard for you?'

Jeff turned to him with painful face expression, 'You're my friend, you matter to me'

'After everything I've done to you? Jeff, dear, you're blind, I used your ideas, I kicked you out of the band, I crossed your path here and there, I didn't give a fuck and now I'm using you for my own benefits'

'You're out of your mind, you don't know what are you talking about'

Jimmy laughed. 'Didn't they tell you? Didn't they say I'm evil and you shall avoid me?'

'Screw them'

Jimmy sat up, caught his hand and pulled. Their lips crushed, he moaned, he lost all the control long ago and didn't want it back. He just needed to feel admired, idolized.

'No', Jeff objected. Jimmy opened his fly and got his hands in.

'Yes', he said. Jeff made a movement as he wanted to push him, but instead he tilted his head and made a frustrated moan. Jimmy was satisfied. He pulled up Jeff's t-shirt, sucking sensitive skin on lower abdomen, tearing off his own clothes. He was so unrestrained that he destroyed his zipper, made an angry noise and pushed away his jeans. Jeff watched him, doing nothing, not even trying to touch and it pissed Jimmy off. He pulled Jeff in the bed, climbed his knees, cursed, pushing himself down his full lengths.

'Hey, easy', Jeff warned.

Jimmy grabbed his chin and hissed in his face, 'I don't wanna be easy, shut the fuck up'

He knew that Jeff didn't like how he sometimes tended to act violent in bed, but Jimmy let him cuddle after, in his eyes it was fair. Jimmy fisted his hair, pushed Jeff's face to his neck, demanding, giving silent command. Jeff softly sucked tender skin between his teeth.

'Harder'

His moves were chaotic. Jeff had to hold him tightly because Jimmy rocked on his knees like crazy. He hissed and painfully groaned, pressing his body to Jeff's. He didn't care how he looked or sounded, all he wanted was to get out of this room, this feeling of helplessness, this life. And he succeeded. He fucked and cried, nails dug into Jeff's shoulders, it reminded of something brutish, inhuman, Jimmy was giving himself with such a passion because his life depended on it.

When consciousness returned to him he saw Jeff's skin covered with his teeth marks, shameless, ugly. Jimmy didn't remember how it happened, he was surprised and Jeff didn't move even he was still hard and unfinished. There was something odd between them. Jimmy leaned back, removing sticky hair from his face, and called him. Jeff gave him strange frozen look and Jimmy knew he fucked up. He crossed the line.

'Are you done?'

'Jeff, please, let me...'

Jeff shoved him away. He spotted specks of Jimmy's come on his t-shirt and made an angry noise. Jimmy weakly touched his knee, Jeff pulled back.

'Fuck, now I'm soaked in your smell'

'You don't get it'

'I don't want to. You won't change and I cannot babysit you all the time. Just admit that you like it, you like to be a victim of circumstances, but you have no balls to overcome it, you like to be stuck in self-pity'

Jimmy didn't try to stop him. He shrank in bed, covered with sweat and come, too tired to argue. The door closed, cutting him off the rest of the world. He didn't move for a while, catching a breath, trying to gain some energy to shower. He couldn't wash his mind or soul, but he still could take care of his body, so Jimmy drugged himself out of the bed and filled the bath with hot water, too hot to be pleasant, but he forced himself into and stayed inside until skin on his fingertips wrinkled. He felt a little numb when he started to bite his nails, scratch the burrs. It made him busy for a while and provided him feeling of comfort. He wasn't surprised by another nosebleed, just let it drop in the water, make it pinkish. Cigarette ashes dropped there too, Jimmy watched it floating around before his eyelids closed. 

He did best he could, leaving the stage he was empty. Jimmy gave his everything, sacrificed every last drop of his sweat and energy to his fans and felt exhausted. He wanted to smoke, but his hands were shaking, he failed to light cigarette again and again. Pitiful. 

Someone stuck lighter under his nose, almost burning Jimmy's hair. 'Looks like you need it, mate'

Jimmy was surprised, he thought they wouldn't make it up, but Jeff returned to him again when Jimmy needed him the most. He made a drug of smoke and sighed with such a relief that it made him chuckle, then he just pulled Jeff in his hands and if felt like coming home.

He heard soft melody played on piano before stepping in and recognized Moonlight Sonata. Jimmy thought it was too sad for twelve years old girl, but after all didn't this house become a shelter for sorrows? Clean melody stumbled a few times, maybe she was glancing at her note sheets. Jimmy opened the door. Scarlet was so engrossed that she didn't notice him, her small fingers ran through the keys, a little clumsy while switching, her legs barely reached pedal. She was wearing night dress and sweater on top of it, ready to sleep but still sitting here. Scarlet took the last chords and made a deep satisfied sigh in adult way which Jimmy found funny and adorable. He clapped his hands and she turned back.

'You spied', she said with pout. He gently kissed her forehead, and Scarlet hugged him tight with both of her hands.

'Why aren't you in bed?'

'Mum said you're coming back soon, I didn't want to miss it'

'Let's go'

'I don't want to sleep yet', Scarlet protested and yawned. He carried her to the bedroom, covered her with blanket thinking about how good it was to be back. 'So you're not sick anymore?'

'I was very, very sick, princess, but it's over'

'And we can go for a walk? Play snowballs? Decorate the Christmas tree?'

'Yes, we can do it, but tomorrow. Do you want me to stay until you fall asleep?'

'Can you tell me a story?'

Jimmy removed hair from Scarlet's face and kissed her again. She smelled cookies, milk a honey, gentle smell of innocence he forgot long ago.

Charlotte was upstairs, holding a book opened at the first page. It didn't seem like she got further than that in hours and maybe half empty vine bottle had something to do with that. Charlotte was laying on the sofa, but as he entered the room she sat up, fixed her long hair and said, 'Come here and put on some records'

'What do you want to listen?'

'Anything you want'

Jimmy studied his shelves full of records for a while before he picked Bob Marley. Charlotte smiled at that.

'When he's playing I always need a smoke'

Jimmy offered her his pack of Marlboro and she shared her vine with him. She swayed to the groove a little bit, they sat at the different corners of the sofa, too distant for lovers, yet too close for enemies. Jimmy didn't even know who they were to each other anymore, they both were too calm to fight, but they were barely close past two years and they settled in different bedrooms. She never asked anything, yet Charlotte was always nice and carrying. Jimmy noticed that she looked better than before he left. 

Charlotte turned to him, exhaling smoke to his side, and said, 'How are you really?'

'Fine I guess. I just hate planes and nothing can change my mind'

'So you have another woman?'

'Why do you think that?'

There was no jealousy, no anger in her voice, she shrugged, took a sip of vine, 'Because we spent years together and I know you, am I right?'

'Kind of. I'm sorry'

Charlotte laughed, 'We're past that time when I would cry about it, blame myself and think what I did wrong', Jimmy wanted to interrupt and she stopped him with hand gesture, 'It doesn't mean I want to know her name or her eye colour or anything else. I can see she's good for you, she helped better than I, just, y'know, treat her right'

'You're talking like elder sister'

'I want best for you, if we're done as lovers doesn't mean we cannot be friends'

She was too good and he knew it from the start. Someone else would kiss the ground where she stepped and beg her to stay, not Jimmy, he never begged anyone. Also there was no point, they were clearly done. What a strange time when your lovers became your friends and your friends turned into lovers, Jimmy thought. Charlotte moved closer, put her head on his chest and he hugged her. Her slim body felt soft, feminine, in need of protection he couldn't give her anymore. 

'If you could get back to past and change it would you?'

'No. But we cannot stay like this, I need a fresh air, you need your own space, I was thinking about it a lot'

Jimmy felt a painful sting inside even he had no rights to feel like that. 'You've planned everything already, haven't you?'

'I can stay a little longer if you need, I'm not in rush, just thought it'll be better', she laid down on his lap, closed her eyes. 'When you're moving like this it's like the waves. Maybe I'll set a trip to the ocean, I always liked water'

Jimmy pictured her on some tropical island, mixing cocktails, laying in the sun, maybe dancing to the same song. Sand in her hair and between her toes, salty taste of her skin after swimming, but she would do it alone, without him. It felt bittersweet in his mouth.

'Nice idea' 

Jeff came to see him later. Jimmy was drunk again, as usual, but they both pretended he wasn't. They settled upstairs, discussing some of their art school years and that was how Jimmy got into the basement looking for old dragon sketches he used to paint Jeff's telecaster. He pulled out big box full of everything that didn't make it to his room and started to dig through. His hands felt something soft, he grabbed it and pulled out.

It looked exactly the same and smelled just the same, Led Zeppelin, concert rage, weed, sweat and tad of dust from the box. Jimmy stared at his own clothes, stunned, unable to do or think something. Memories filled his mind, images ran in front of his still opened eyes that didn't see the room anymore. Instead he saw crowds of screaming people, he felt their rapture, he saw his own once alive dream that was taken away from him.

'You found it?', Jeff asked from behind, glancing inside, 'Jim?'

Material slid down from Jimmy's weak hands. Just like the band. He stood there, watching it on the floor and making no movement. Jeff knelt, picked it up and gave to him and from there Jimmy knew it wasn't going to be the same. He slipped into Jeff's arms, hid in the slope of his shoulder and stayed like this. Jeff said nothing, just hold him as long as Jimmy needed him to, then he silently walked away, leaving Jimmy with his memories, holding dragon suit in his hands. Jimmy gently stroke every stitch, like if he wanted the pattern to engrave into his fingertips. He carefully folded it and put back in the box, lights off, empty stage, the music was over. His dragons weren't flying anymore.

It was raining hard on the way back. Jimmy closed the car window, stuck cigarette between his teeth. 

'What a fucking coincidence', he mumbled, lighting the fire. Roy raised his eyebrows.

'Like what?'

'Nothing, just drive carefully'

They passed cities and villages that glimpsed outside the window, turned into blurred spots, impressionism-like style. Jimmy was too down to appreciate the landscapes and thinking of upcoming collaboration album made him uneasy. He had lots of doubts even he always loved Roy's music, he wasn't sure if he suited there, he worried how he would fit in and how his new project with Paul would go.

'Violence and brutality everywhere', Roy spat, turning the wheel.

'Like where? Wasn't it always this way?'

'The news. Wait, there must be that newspaper in the back, read it if you like. Violence, ignorance, shitty interviews. Lord, I need a drink or two when we arrive'

Jimmy bent over to reach for backseat. He had to undid his safety belt and search a while before he found the fresh print in question, better than drowning in his unpleasant thoughts. Jimmy flipped through it before he found the article. Two young girls were murdered, hitchhiking in Tennessee. Raped probably, but it wasn't mentioned, they were underage runaways, group of high risk. Like if he cared if they were in risk or no, shit could happen to everyone. Jimmy read it few times, yet there wasn't enough information to establish if it was May or no. They didn't post names or photos and he never found out. He never saw her again. Probably she settled down somewhere in a nice big house surrounded by nice people who loved her, at least that was what Jimmy wanted to think because he was a fucking optimist after all and because this girl didn't deserve it. No one fucking deserved it.

'You know what disgust me the most? The whole Tennessee is gonna mourn, bring some flowers and candy, pray for god to rest their innocent souls in peace, and they didn't even know these girls. And besides there is no fucking god unless he's a bloody bastard'

'I knew some hitchhiker from States', Jimmy said slowly, newspaper still in his hands. Roy gave him surprised look.

'Really? Hope this bird made it to her nest'

'Me too'

First of all he opened all the windows, it didn't help much, but at least he didn't feel so isolated from the other world and so suffocating. Next he picked up whiskey bottle and went upstairs. Shame on him, almost one year passed and he didn't fully unpack his suitcase he traveled with during ARMS. Jimmy dug through it, shocked how many thing he had, and then he found it. Tiny cheap bracelet with bird. He sat on the bed, drinking, watching bangle on his palm and thinking, but not about May, about Jackie. He usually tried to escape thoughts about her, but probably it was time to pull them out, to get plastered, broken and finally overcome it because it was ridiculous and they never saw again in years and there was no chance for them from beginning. 

He lost count of time while drinking, it must be early morning and there was only one person he could call. He picked up phone, he didn't even have to look up the number. Jimmy nervously clicked his nails on plastic while waiting to dial. 

'Hey?', Jeff said in husky voice.

'Hey'

'I suspected. Who else would call in this hour'

Jimmy scratched his head. There was no disapproval or anger in Jeff's tone, but he felt guilty that he had to drug Jeff out of bed for no reason.

'Wanna tell me something?'

'Just a bad day'

'Ah?', Jimmy swore he heard the sound of lighter which made him want to smoke too. He glanced around, but his lighter was too far.

'Bad day, bad news, bad weather and as a cherry on top a disastrous interview' 

'We're both veterans of dealing with disastrous interviews, what still could make you so mad?'

'He asked me why the hell didn't I pick up the guitar for eighteen month. He's deaf and didn't learn how to read obviously or he would know the answer'

Jeff gasped. 'Fuck. What a fucking twat'

'Otherwise it wasn't worse than usual and he seemed to be flattered with Roy a lot. Cannot say it was mutual'

Jeff fell quiet for a moment, thinking something or taking a drug, he asked, 'Do you want me to come?'

Jimmy hesitated. His first intention was to say yes and he truly wished Jeff was with him now, but he needed to learn how to cope himself again. And he didn't want Jeff to drive half-asleep and in angry mood, Jeff was old hand in car accidents, he needed no more shit like this. Jimmy squeezed plastic receiver, clung to it because he couldn't squeeze Jeff's hand now. 'No. Just go to sleep, okay?'

'All right, just keep in mind that I'm not bothered by you, you're my best 4 AM mate'

Jimmy chuckled, 'In this case I won't say good night, good morning'

'Morning, Jim'

Jimmy hanged up, rubbed his face. He still felt terrible, but better. As he went down to the kitchen and poured himself some orange juice he noticed that sun outside was slowly rising. It used to look evil to him, now he just smiled and got closer to the window, glanced out as sunlight coloured the top of the trees. Birds were twitting, unaware of any problems humans should handle. New day, new circle of life. He felt sour taste of juice in his mouth, warmth of the sun on his face. Ran his tongue through his teeth, surprised that he didn't find familiar gab and than remembering that he fixed it. Jimmy fixed his look, not his inside feelings, but he was alive and had someone by his side, as soon as he knew it he would be okay, while cunts could choke with their poison. 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you made it till the end, I wanna hear what do you guys think?
> 
> Also is there any big fan of The Yardbirds and Roy Harper? I wish I can share my passion about them with anybody and I have some questions about Roy's private life.


End file.
